As you may well have heard, this month (Friday 13th) Cocktails & Cocktalk are throwing their first ever soiree at The Green Carnation, Soho. And while we’d love you to come down, meet the writers, flirt with hot boys, slut-drop like nobody’s watching and generally just get LICKED – we’d hate for you to arrive in a state, that’s how you’re supposed to leave hunty…

1. Get A Facial
… And for once I ain’t talking about having a guy jizz on your face. Book in for a facial if you have the time/money, or if not do a home-made one – that little extra glow doesn’t have to cost the moon and the earth and will give you a nice little freshen up.

2. Trim yo’ bush
There will be fit boys ALERT, so you should be prepared. It’s so not about going down on a guy and flossing at the same time. Straggly pubes are bad enough when they’re on a cock, let alone between your teeth.

The single most important feature of your face. Sort of. You can’t really fix your eyes, nose or lips overnight but your brows can look perfect within the space of 20 minutes – providing you haven’t plucked them to shit like Pamela Anderson. Go in hard and Kardashian that shit up, although if you’re a boy attempting to werk a scousebrow, you won’t get turned away, but you may get glared at.

4. Practise your pose
Our sick photographer DARREN ORBELL will be out in force to capture you gorgeous beasts, so don’t fucking spill. Obviously make sure there’s nothing stuck your nashers, no camel/mamel toe and if you have ketamine boss-eye, don’t worry girl I got your back and won’t put that shit online. We’ll clearly give the pics a once over with the airbrush, but honey there are some bad angles that even Photoshop can’t help.

5. Go Shopping
This is an event you’re gonna want a fresh outfit for! It’s in the middle of the month so if you’ve spunked you’re wages already, raid that closet deep and dig out something you haven’t worn in a while, pair it up with something recently bought and add a new accessory. Even take a pair of scissors and just get hacking at that shit. Whenever I feel like I’ve ran out of clothes, I just turn everything into a crop or a mini and people wonder why I’m half-naked in December.

6. Rest/Detox
Everyone wants to look their best when going out, but after all that’s said and done, there’s nothing better than a break from drugs/alcohol. I’ll be staying in for the next 8 days to rejuvinate my skin and make sure I’m on form for the night. Allow rocking up to my own event sticking of mouldy legal highs and so tired that I’m passed out in the corner with a Pornstar Martini spilt down my lap.

7.  Pump those guns
A last minute work out works WONDERS for your appearance. Have you ever noticed why you feel your absolute best just after you’ve stepped off the treadmill? Obviously endorphines play a large part in that, but straight after a work out your skin is taut and with blood rushing around your body you have a healthy glow too. The best thing to do is have a work out as close to the event as possible, if your OCD like me – have 2 on the day.

8. Artificial sunshine
Speaking of a healthy glow, our weather is unpredictable to say the least, so at least pop into your local Tanning Shop (Covent Garden’s branch is totally the best one) for some rays that you can rely on. Although if you’re one of those pasty bitches that only goes red from a sunbed, just get it from a bottle. Seriously, stop trying to make it happen. The amount of RED people I see going for another sunbed is unreal – YOU WON’T GO BROWN. As you can see I’m quite opinionated on the matter but it’s beter to be porcelain than it is to be Sebastian.

9. Inform your friends
Bring your possy/crew/ensemble because the more the merrier, and it’s gonna be one hell of a party.

10. Masturbate
Nothing gives you a luscious glow like the aftermath of coitus, but if you ain’t got a man – at least you got a hand! Masturbation also relieves stress/tension and don’t be bowling up to my party if you got an attitude problem yo. Just good vibes, friendly faces and at worst if that hoe you hate rocks up – a passive courtesy pie.

Click ‘Attending’ here…

Tweet me at @cocktalkblog or @Anthony_Gilet for guestlist.