Since being introduced into modern vernacular, the term ‘fuckboy’ has spread like the clap through Mykonos. And while most of us now know the tell-tale signs of a fuckboy, we can’t help but notice a new epidemic on the rise: the fuckfriend.
We coined the term for those friends who are always on their phone at the dinner table, probably texting the boy they’re going to blow you off for next time.
Fuckfriends are arguably an even worse situation to have on your hands, because boys come/cum and go but friends are for life. Or are they? We’re not saying you should kick all your friends to the curb ’cause they were too busy sucking dick to text you back, but it’s definitely worth reassessing any friendship that doesn’t make you feel good.
Have you got a fuckfriend? How to spot them:
They drop you as soon as they get a man
This a tell-tale sign of a fuckfriend. Spend years moaning about single life with you, and then the second they snag some semi-permanent dick they drop you like a lead turd. There are varying degrees to this cuntity; those who prioritise their boyfriends are obviously far better than those who fully idolise him.
Like, congrats girl, I didn’t think you’d find a man that loved you either, but fuck my friendship, right?
They have selfish ulterior motives
A person who possesses this trait might do something like, turning up to a bar for your birthday party and then suggesting the crowd head elsewhere because they personally aren’t feeling the vibe. Or reject the invitation altogether if it’s not their best interest: if the event was somewhere they couldn’t meet a boy, for example.
What’s happened – for one reason or another – is that this friend has forgotten about the give-and-pull that make successful friendships and relationships work. It’s great that they’re putting themselves first, but not all the time, every time. No ma’am.
We all get busy from time to time – especially when you’re a social butterfly or a slut – but friends who consistently flake on your plans are the worst. And we’re not talking about the ones who have legitimate reasons or give you two days notice: more so the one’s who blow you out while you’re already on the train because they’re ‘double-booked’.
What’s so funny is that flakey people hate to be told that they’re flakey – almost as if they thought you just wouldn’t notice them always cancelling, always at the last minute, always supported by a paper-thin excuse. Flaking could just be part of their persona, but ultimately you don’t rank as a priority.
Fuckfriends are often so enamoured by their own lives, achievements and first world problems to realise when they’re being insensitive. They’ll brag about their promotion days after you got sacked. Or complain about a minor inconvenience while you’re in the middle of an emotional shitstorm. Fuckfriends can often appear disinterested or uncaring because of their preoccupied self.
The fuckfriend hates to admit when they’re wrong, apologise and sometimes give compliments easily. They can be keen to brush anything negative about themselves aside (despite frequently highlighting it in other people). In these scenarios, your friend has probably placed protecting their ego over your feelings, which – in laymen’s terms – is just immature as fuck.
You find time with them draining
Whether it’s the constant whining, or self-obsessed natter, if you repeatedly leave a friend feeling drained then you probably need to reassess the relationship. Like oral sex, you should never feel like you’re always giving and not receiving. They’ll get overexcited about the smallest thing in their life, but don’t invest much into your shit.
We’ve all heard of Tommy Two Shits: You went on holiday for a week? Tommy went on holiday for a fortnight. You got a new phone? Tommy got a new house. You went for a shit? Tommy went for two! Everything starts to feel like a competition with friends like Tommy; even when it comes to who is under the most stress, or has the biggest tumour.
How ’bout we start a new competition? Like who can leave this toxic friendship first?
Whether you decide to terminate the friendship altogether, attempt to work through with your friend, or rise above it (eek!) it’s important to remember that they were your friend at one point. Unless they’ve truly taken the biscuit, in which case let them dunk it elsewhere…