This week on Naked Attraction, Christopher a former club rep who at 27 is now deciding to “grow up” and stop shagging countless drunk birds abroad, and go on national TV naked instead. Couldn’t think of anything more mature, tbh.

Christopher speaks with a Cockney/Essex accent that sounds like it was learned by watching too much TOWIE.

While Christopher is transitioning between being a rep and finding a “real job”, so any girl knows that they’ll probably be splitting the bill, he’s clearly got stocks in other assets. Which would lend to the theory that his participation in the show is more about getting the girls who are ignoring his DMs to suddenly hit him back up, than it is about ‘finding somebody’.

Chris picks Shauna – who’s actually hot af – definitely punching. And they confess to banging a “few” times after the show.

Next is Louise, a bookworm that works with pensioners and uses a Nokia 3310 (no, seriously). Lou scrubs up well in a total Ugly Betty to real-life America Ferrera transformation before sinking her eyes into some dick:

“I think I’m a bit speechless”, she flusters. They inspect the first two dongs before host Anna Richardson pulls out her ‘penis measuring ruler’ and requests the third contestant (in the red pod) use it. After hearing that the average size of a flaccid penis is just 3.5″, we can almost feel him sweating in hope that he’s bigger. He’s not, and the host only adds insult to injury by suggesting he could grow to 5 inches. Jeez, have a lil’ faith in the guy.

They breeze past the contestant in the yellow pod, before making the “intimidating” dick of the bunch undergo the ruler test.

Her first vote off is Alex (green pod) for his normal-sized thighs not being big enough, although we expect it’s more to do with the fact he was pubicly completely bald.

Next to go is “intimidating” Jordan, after the second reveal exposed how much shorter he was than the other contestants. Even though Louise said it was because of his tattoo, we saw straight through that transparent weak-ass lie. In fact, it was a subject that couldn’t be avoided when he stepped out of the pod and looked up to sky to talk to the women.

“You’re diminutive and yet massive,” states Anna. “You’re going to have to take you, and your enormous penis, through there, it’s goodnight.” Howling.

Then next round sees the remaining faces revealed, and Louise says ‘girl bye’ to the ‘mysterious’ technician in the yellow pod.

What follows is the voice round. Which is only really complete by the older guy in the orange pod, giving the cheeky chav in the red pod side-eye. But he doesn’t have much to worry about as the chav is then booted off following another height incompatibility. Though at 5’5″ we can understand where she’s coming from…

Anyway, long story short, she dumps the kinda creepy old guy and goes on a date with circumsized Steven.

Both pairs were still together, and/or positive about seeing each other again. So the odds of banging your chosen match after the show are pretty freaking high… but is there actually longevity in these relationships?! Channel 4 we need a three-month catch-up also, thanks.

Come back next week for our Naked Attraction commentary.