MY partner never wants sex but somehow he always makes it my fault. We are both men and have a healthy, active lifestyle. I am 31. My partner is 33. We have been together for ten years and our sex life has dwindled.

Last year we only had sex twice. We are like friends, not lovers these days. I’ve tried everything to get the spark going but there is always an excuse. He said I was overweight, so I went to the gym and lost 2st. Then he said I am obsessed with the gym and that’s a turn-off.

Now he says it is normal for long-term couples not to have sex. He promises to change but never does. I feel unattractive. I cannot stay in a relationship like this.


Dear Dried-up,

First of all, if you ain’t getting semi-regular D, then that’s not a healthy lifestyle. I mean… TWICE in a year. TWICE?! Your sex life hasn’t dwindled, it’s totally evaporated. And you say you’re “like friends” these days; you must have some fasty friends if they’re making you feel that way.

Using you’re “obsession” with the gym as an excuse not to have sex, is the most feeble excuse I’ve heard since Charlie Sheen was found naked and intoxicated, saying it was an “allergic reaction”.

Anyway, congrats on your two stone weight loss! Now lose 12st of shit by dumping that turd of a man.

There are simply only three excuses for him not wanting to have with you anymore: He’s having an affair, he’s not sexually attracted to you anymore/he feels like he’s missed out on single life, or he’s not sexual himself anymore. All of which, are pretty solid grounds to kick the bitch to the curb. Especially as none of reasons are your fault, like he’s making you feel.

Sex aside, anybody who makes you feel small (or fat), isn’t somebody you should want to spend the rest of your life with.

Ten years is a long time to have been with someone, and I’m you still love him very much. In which case, if you really want to give this PG-13 puppet show a shot, I’d say stop trying so hard. Forget about over-exercising, what’s really not attractive is a beg-it.

Act like you don’t care, keep working out if it’s what you want, go for drinks without him, stop out all night without texting, get spit-roasted by a couple from Craigslist.

Jealousy is without a doubt the quickest way to light a fire under a disinterested mother-fucker’s ass. Take his credit card and max it out on designer clothes, as a little reinvention never hurt anybody either. Show him what he’s missing. If he’s not jumping your bones then, then he honestly cares less for you than the world does about Caitlyn Jenner.

Alternatively, demand a truthful answer or threaten to walk. Either way, you’ll be on the other side of the door when the convos done. Now, when you sashay out of that apartment, I don’t wanna see no tears, you strut down to that uber with your head held high and a floor-length fur ensemble on your back. (Think Beyoncé: Me, Myself & I).

Enjoy your new life!