It’s a surprise that Facebook has been around for six years, Twitter for five – and yet some of you bitches still get it wrong.

Here are the Top 10 DO’s and DON’Ts to avoid social (networking) suicide:

1. Don’t Pour Your Heart Into A Status
The number one rule about social networking. Yes, he may have broken your heart and your hymen in one fatal swoop but for fuck sake the world doesn’t need to know a) how you were duped and b) how “Love can be so cruel, but it’s onwards and upwards xxx”. Or when you decide “As much as i try I cant get you off my mind xxx” ten minutes later. Also, who the fuck y’all putting kisses to? It’s a status not a love letter. And if nobodies even clicking that ‘like’ button, you just giving away those kisses. Just like you gave away yo’ man-pussy.
2. Don’t Flaunt Too Much Of Your Body 
ESPECIALLY if you have kids. Firstly, 19 year olds with three kids – are not considered MILFs. Their considered unfortunate. Secondly, think of the embarrassment you’re subjecting that poor child too. They may not be able to walk yet, but even they think you’re inappropriate. Thirdly, stretch marks and bras with baby puke, are not sexy. Get your gratification from doing Natalie Cassidy’s work out video, not from exposing your now-ruined figure. Also, gay men… Please keep your dicks in your pants, and off our computer screens. Nobody cares if you’re a pornstar – it’s not glamorous, and never will be. Don’t get me wrong, like cleaning toilets, it’s a job someone has to do, and we’re all greatful that someone does. But just not at 8am before I’ve had my morning coffee. Topless holiday snaps are totes OK, but the self-taken instagram ones are a self-indulgent bathing in vanity.  Keep ’em on instagram. Ego boosting and sunsets – it’s what it was made for. Or on a blog, like me.
3. Don’t Confuse Your Forms Of Media.
So for example, it’s totes unacceptable to have ten statuses within a day. We don’t care what you’ve eaten. Who don’t care how long you spent on the toilet. How many wanks you’ve had. How many times you’ve listened to Taylor Swifts album. And we don’t care that you’re nan’s friends pet turtle died – and neither do you – so that sympathy act, like your spanks, ain’t foolin’ nobody.
4. Do Double Check Your Photos
We’ve all seen “that awkward moment when…” And the slutty teenager taking photos of her midriff  has left skid marks around the side of the bowl or her rampant rabbit on the bed side table. I did something like this recently, while high at a chill out, went to the bathroom to take a dirty pic for the guy I’d been flirting with. I gave the pic a quick look over before I sent it. Everything looked good, (I thought). It was only when I second glanced that I clocked the boss eye. It was like goblin porn. *shudder
5. Don’t Beg Virtual Friends
And this includes celebrities. Faking terminal illness on family members just for a RT is pretty Debbie. So is sending DMs claiming “Wanna fuck?” Or “You top or bottom?”
Get the fuck outta here. And download Grindr you cheap ho’s.
6. Watch That Language…
And I ain’t talking about swearing (you stupid cunt). But writing: “Omg 2dai iz just goin rong. 1st I missd my apointment 4 my benefits, den baylifts came runnin dwn ma door” is more diabolical than Helen Flannagan without make up.
And let’s not forget the lingo of “those” gays too. We already know you’re a homo without you using words like “drinkies”, “besties” and “lovelies”. Can anyone say “twat-ies”? It’s not cute. And, like carbs after 6pm, it’s not acceptable.
7. Do Pick Your Profile Pic Wisely
Think about what it says about you. A guy with a thousand photos taken on PhotoBooth or flexing in the mirrors of Virgin Active says; “I have no friends, apart from the rowing machine” It also says, “I need validation from less attractive people and strangers.” Not the best selling point. You’ve worked hard for a good body and are proud of it, we get it. But save those pics for Gaydar profiles.
                  Similarly, flaunting pictures of you and your mate, when she looks like Miss Tyra and you look like Miss Jay is only kicking your hideously deformed self while its down.
8. Do Make It Browser Friendly
Translated: this includes WHAT you say and HOW you present yourself. For example; potential employers seeing “Oh my God, amazing weekend. Never been so ketted in my life, still the three days off work that I missed was definitely worth it.” May not be so impressed. Similarly, potential boyfriends that see you sweating like Vanessa Feltz on a treadmill, while prancing around in wedges and bin liners, decorating yourself with toilet paper, may be a little put off.
“That was ONE time” – Dawn Schwitzer, Mean Girls.
It doesn’t matter… Trashbag.
And if that doesn’t do it, the ratchet wig with a meph decorated beard will do it.
A hot guy I was once on the border of hooking up stopped all contact suddenly. It was like incontinence – it just happened without warning. It was only a week later that I realised the picture of me at Torture Garden with the wonky weave and the double DDs had gone up around the same time. Oh well, thank God he turned out to be a hermit.
Likewise, you should keep your information up to date. Logging on to a fine mans profile and seeing “Checkout Assistant at Tesco” ain’t turning nobody on. It don’t matter if its from when he was fifteen, the thought of him with that hairnet and apron on the Deli counter is definitely enough for him to click unfriend.
9. Don’t Leave Your Goddamn Shit Logged In 
It’s like he old saying goes, “Frape me once, shame on me. Frape me twice – change your password!”
Do you know how many times I’ve had statuses that say “I have to admit, that sex I had with a midget last night was pretty good”, or “Why do bits of toilet paper always get stuck to the nuggets of shit that cling to my bum hair?”
And don’t get me wrong, I’m guilty of fraping too – my friend Susan and I invited everyone on our friends Facebook to a “Lesbian Tea Cup Party” complete with an image of a furry (and distinctly lesbian looking) tea cup. Yeah that was funny… For us, anyway.
10. DO Get Your Coding Right
As much fun as it is to tweet @LeeEvans about how shit he is at stand up comedy. Not being the comedian himself, he does tend to get a fair bit of agg.
And don’t even get me started on fucking hash tags. If you don’t know how to use them – why use them? Here’s a little “Hashtagging 101” – they CAN’T have spaces. They CAN’T have numbers. They CAN’T have exclamation marks or other punctuation. They SHOULD have capital letters t the start if each word. C’mon bitches don’t be a #Fail.
So now you know the top 10 misdemeanours in social networking, as Ru Paul says, “don’t fuck it up.”