Umbrellas have done me favours in the past. But maybe allow the lace.


Be A Boy Scout: That means; Always be prepared. From the date not meeting your expectations, to you not meeting his, right down to the weather. I dated a guy once that told me the thing he’ll always remember is how courteous I was, meeting him at the train station, instead of the bar (although for people that haven’t met before this can be little awkward), and holding out my umbrella for him in the rain. DUH! Obviously don’t overwrap if it’s warm or you’ll look like Miss Piggy in menopause, and bring an umbrella if necessary, it’s not always about thinking with your head, sometimes it’s about thinking with your HAIR.
If it’s an internet date then unless you’ve seen them out before or have a good wide selection of photos, prepare for the worst. I’ve been on dates where the photos I’ve been sent must be at LEAST three years old, and they’re three stone heavier and three inches more receding. But DON’T ask for photos with them holding today’s paper – that’s totes obsessive.

Balance: And not balance a drink in each hand, like I used to. Balance the conversation between listening and talking. Some guys drone on and on about how much fun they had with Muscle Melinda and Fat Queen last Pride – do I care?
“I don’t know her!” – Brenda, Scary Movie.  When talking about friends, (unless they’re mutual) keep it light. We don’t wanna have to remember your phonebook before the entrees. Ask questions, it makes it seem like you’re interested. But ask the RIGHT questions. Not like; “How old are you? Do you have any ID to prove that?” – This cop I went on a date with asked me once (because I looked too young, not too old). SISTER, it’s called a chemical peel and daily night cream regime, maybe you should try it grandad.

ATTENTION!! Pay attention TO your date. Not to other men in the bar/restaurant. AS IF a man thinks its acceptable to flirt with the waiter while I’m in the toilet racking up lines. Fair do’s my dating etiquette wasn’t perfect either, but as if they’re exchanging numbers as quickly as they can before I come back. PLEASE. I racked up two more lines, polished off the wrap and solantro’d out the side door. “Excuse me Waiter! There’s a cougar on my date!” Whatever girl, you can have him.
Also pay attention to yourself, don’t laugh TOO hard (done this loads of times), you just look like a dick. DO floss, DO use mouthwash, DO clean your ears, DO scrape your nailbeds. They may be little things, but their the things he’ll notice… consciously or subconsciously. If you look like you’ve crawled out of a grave or are harbouring Furbies in your ears or seaweed in your teeth, he won’t let you near his cock.

TOUCHY FEELY: Touching a man is one of the most sure-fire ways to let him know you like him. But it crosses over into ‘debbie’ when you touch him too much, too innappropriately and too vigorously. I once laughed so hard I basically punched him in the collar bone. Jeez, everytime I reached out for my drink he flinched. Pussy. How we gonna S&M if you can’t take a little knocking? But do touch him gently, occassionally and subtly!

RELAX: Chill the fuck out. It’ been over-reported that men who shake when they pick up their beer, make other men nervous. ‘RELAX’ing also applies to DON’T go overboard. Wear aftershave but don’t smell like a baby prostitute. DON’T overdo your outfit, us fashion-forward fashionistas are intimidating, slow it down. Look like you’ve put something on, looked good but not actively tried on fourteen outfits and picked the creme de la creme. (i,e. allow the blazers, pointy shoes and crisp shirts).

Coming next on “How to…” – “How to be a socialite bitch”