MY husband has been texting gay men. He says it’s just for a laugh when he’s drunk but I don’t find it funny. I am 38, he is 45. We have been together for eight years and it is my second marriage, his fourth.

I saw on a phone bill he left lying around that he had joined Grindr and asked him if he is bisexual. He said “No” and that the texting was just a laugh when he was drunk. He says he doesn’t want us to split up but he works away all week which makes things worse.

He gets nasty when he is home at weekends as he drinks too much. I have told him he needs to cut down. He says he will but it never happens because he doesn’t think he has a problem.

Dear Dilemma,

I don’t really know what to say… apart from, who hasn’t gone paperless with their bills yet? Clearly, your husband is destroying the planet as well as your marriage. Also, babe, I don’t think Grindr would be on the bill if it was just the free version, which means he must be getting some deeply-penetrated banter to cough up the money for it. There are actual wealthy sluts who don’t even pay for Grindr.

Don’t even get me started on that “just a laugh” excuse; even his lies reflect a lazy alcoholic. It’s actually insulting that he thinks that wishy-washy closet cover-up would work on anyone other than a devoted high school beard. Perhaps you should press him about which bit of the conversations he finds “funny”; is it when they send him a picture of their dick? Or when he turns up to suck it? Oh, the hilarity!

I’m a fasty bitch from south east London, so I’d have already demanded to see the conversations, ’cause I “love a good joke as much as the next man trying to fuck my husband”. But my guess is that you didn’t because you knew what lay ahead… a bottom with their cheeks pulled apart.

I’m sure your husband has some good qualities, like a big dick or a high-paid job, (he did manage to get four women down the aisle; which just FYI should have been your first red flag) but on paper: you only see him on weekends, during which he’s a wanker unless he’s getting light-hearted bants from gay men on a hook-up app? I’m gonna take a pigeon leap and guess he doesn’t fuck you anymore either? Clearly, this isn’t working.

When people abuse substances they generally do it to avoid emotion, whether that be boredom, stress or trauma; so my guess would be that your husband drinks because he feels he can’t come out. Alas, the solution to his problems isn’t at the bottom of a bottle, its at the bottom of a bottom. It feels as if he’s tormented and is taking it out on you (something we all do with the ones we love).

He should definitely see a professional regarding his use of booze as a coping mechanism, but re: YOUR marriage to a homo; Your best bet would be to confront him again, this time with a gentler approach, assuring that you only want his happiness. If he can come out to you, you’ll know that it’s nothing you did and will hopefully take some closure away from it. Then go destroy some fucking cocks!