These days, storylines for pornos are so ridiculous we can’t help but think of those behind them as failed creative writers. It’s reached a point where we’re not sure if we’re supposed to be getting off or just turning off the internet for good.

Last week saw a guy’s lust for his straight crush spiral so out of control that he broke into the straighty’s house, dressed up as his wife – in the prosthetic replica of her face and titties they casually had lying around – and then seduced him.

Obvs not here to kink-shame anybody, but who is actually rubbing one out to this? Whatever floats your boat and all that, but surely the demographic of people getting off to a guy secretly dressed as a female sex doll on the top half is pretty limited. Or were there people masturbating in the theatre when White Chicks was on?

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More recently, Str8UpGayPorn released a new featurette that sees a guy doing himself with the leg of a coffee table. (See the pearl-clutching NSFW clip here).

Like, is furniture fetish actually a thing? It’s bad enough having to worry about a guy getting with one of your friends, let alone having an affair with your chest of drawers.

Perhaps gay porn producers have cottoned to the ‘viral potential’ that far-fetched scripts possess, a la Right In Front Of My Salad? Or those porn parodies. Or that glitter porn.

Naturally, you want worldwide brand awareness, but we think the men with the pens are losing sight of the goal: to make their consumers cum.

But they’ve actually missed a trick. Amateur porn is the most downloaded and jacked off-to genre of porn, and so while nichés certainly have their place, unless you’re going to charge people three times as much to watch a twink get skewered by a floor lamp, it’s probably not worth it.