Most of know by this point that gay years can feel like dog years; between the years of raving, drama and gossiping, it feels like we’ve done an awful lot in our time. But try speaking to this gay, who’s 186. OK, he’s a giant tortoise, but still…

Jonathan, who is the oldest resident on St. Helena, has been wooing a female friend Frederica for the past 26 years, but she’s apparently less Frederica and more Frederic than he originally thought. It’s easily done, who hasn’t confused Justin Bieber for Ellen, after all?

The pair met in 1991 when Frederic was given to St. Helens as a partner for Jonathan.

From The Times: “Of late, Frederica has been poorly and needed repairs to a lesion on her shell. Closer examination found that she had a slight deformity from a juvenile injury but, more startlingly, it also revealed that Frederica was probably male.”

A bill was introduced last year to allow same-sex marriage on the island, but it was withdrawn after some locals threw their toys out of their heterosexual prams. The legislative council is holding extensive consultations across the island to see whether the bill should presented in court to change the law.

Is Jonathan unknowingly a mascot for gay marriage?

In his 80s, Jonathan start terrorizing the gentlemen of St. Helena, who played croquet on the lawn of the mansions. “He took to knocking over benches, flattening the hoops and spoiling their game.” HA. Jonathan is SAVAGE!

That’s exactly what happens to adult gay men who don’t settle down: bitterness and pettiness.

It was decided that Jonathan needed a girlfriend. Despite his weekly attempts to mate, there have never been any offspring, baffling his keepers. At least now we know why…