I’m a macho guy but now I can’t stop fantasising about my girlfriend’s little brother. I’ve never thought about a man before. I’m a man’s man, drinking beer and spending hours in the gym.

I play rugby at weekends. I love my girlfriend. She’s 25 and I’m 27. 

Her little brother is gay and last week I went round to watch some footie and have a drink with him. He answered the door just wearing a towel. I immediately felt attracted to him. I can’t stop fantasising about him.

He told my girlfriend that I’m “fit” when we started dating so perhaps he fantasises about me. Should I make a move?

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Dear ‘Macho Guy’,

First of all, it’s cute that you think the fact you’re ‘masculine’ has any defining factor on your sexuality. Girl, I’ve seen drag queens knock men out with a single punch and burly construction workers squeal like school girls when they receive a dick pic.

Bless, you’re already suffering from ‘masc delusion’; which occurs when a flaming homo attempts to identify himself with his ‘manliness’, and disassociate himself from his sexuality. And hence, you’re already far gayer than you evidently realise. 

Of course, it’s impossible for you to be GAY, because you drink beer. Fags obviously only sip Gin & slimline Tonics with their pinky in the air. Although, I hate to break it to you, but most queens live in the gym, so the fact that you spend hours daily around sweaty men means you’ve probably already been upgraded to Platinum Gay status. Cut to you playing the subtle game of ‘drop the towel/soap/it like it’s hot’ in the locker room.

So when you say you’re a ‘man’s man’, I can only assume that’s a pun, for wanting to pork your brother-in-law. 

Oh you play rugby though? You mean that sport where men in tiny shorts tackle each other into a pile of mud? That changes everything! J/k. Do you know how many ruggers I’ve boned on the down-low? Let’s just say it’s more than the number of points you get for a try…

[RELATED: Fagony Aunt: I Slept With My Girlfriend’s Brother, and Now I Have Feelings for Him]

Now, the declaration of love for your girlfriend is where I’mma have to stop you, boo. You clearly don’t “love her”, otherwise you wouldn’t even be considering cheating on her, let alone trying to ‘Kevin Spacey’ her brother. And that little mincer is just as bad, answering the door in a towel like she’s at the bathhouse.

It’s no surprise that you felt attracted to him, because you know subconsciously he’ll slurp that ‘straight’ dick like a Black Window devouring her prey. And of course he fancies you, you’re a sexually confused ‘masc’ rugby playe: aka, every chicken’s dream.

But finally, to answer your mind-numbingly stupid question, (in case you were quite up-to-speed as of yet)… No. You don’t make a move. That’s what psychology experts call a “hatrick fuck-up”; destroying your girlfriend’s life, her brother’s hole, and your own head all in one fatal shag.

KINDLY, break-up with the girlfriend you’re with and your weak-will and thoughts of cheating will soon manifest into orgies at gay sex clubs. And forget about her brother; twinks are ten to a dozen, but karma is damn bitch.

Besides, fantasies are way hotter in your head.

Ciao! xoxo