I’m a 24-year-old gay man with a 31-year-old bi-boyfriend. I’ve known since we got together that he’s a lot more sexually experienced than I am, but it’s never been a big deal before now. This weekend, he met my parents for what we thought would be the first time.

But it turns out that 10 years ago, during his ‘big bi slut phase’ (his words), they had a threesome. I recognize that no one did anything wrong — they were three consenting adults — and it’s not like anyone could’ve known that he and I would get together in the future.

But also, my boyfriend fucked my parents! I’m mortified, he’s mortified, they’re mortified, and I may never be able to look at my parents again. Please help us find a way to move past this.

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Dear Unlucky,

That really is a unique situation, and one could leave a person feeling that every time they kiss their boyfriend they’re eating their mum’s muff. We may have all come out of there at one point, but nobody wants to return.

You’re right in saying that nobody did anything wrong, and so there’s no need to concoct anger towards any of the parties involved. Howeverrr… that doesn’t change the fact that this situation is balls-deep in ick factor. Even the most sexually liberated person could be put off by this.

Sure, you could “laugh it off” but it’s you who will be the butt of every joke. All you wanted was to be bred, and instead

And let’s talk logistics. If they weren’t using condoms, your boyfriend could’ve been the father to your little brother. I mean, on the plus side, you’d be a shoe-in for the cast of Sweet Home Alabama 2.

You can meditate til your blue in the balls, but will you ever be able to control your thoughts them all bumping uglies? Even if you can, your boyfriend has 100% mentally compared you and your dad in bed. Does the eggplant fall far from the tree? If that doesn’t freak you out, think about the toasts at your wedding:

“When Matt got on his knees to propose to David, we weren’t sure if he was going to give him a ring or have another go on his mum…

Or, “When most people are asking for the father’s permission to marry his child, they don’t usually do it by riding him like a show pony”.

Or, “It’s time to address the elephant in the room. Oh, sorry that’s just David’s dad on all fours waiting to be plowed by his man.”

Can’t see yourself marrying this man? Then let’s wrap this up and say bye-bye-sexual. If you can see yourself walking down the aisle with him, then you clearly like him, a lot. But is it enough to never call him ‘daddy’ ever again?

If you think it is, then you need to completely disassociate the incident from who your boyfriend is (and parents are) today. Literally, bury that shit in an emotional grave. Unless you really can own it and laugh at the situation. In which case, you’ve got bigger balls than any of the men involved in this dilemma.

Good luck! (Although it seems, that – unlike your man’s meat – doesn’t run in the family)


Original problem: Dan Savage