Dear Fagony Aunt,

I have recently started seeing a Bisexual guy. It seems strange but when I think about it, he’s the first bisexual man I have ever known. I was initially attracted to his bisexuality. I mean I had few crushes on gay guys before, so I thought why not? But he’s very different from the typical gay person. Like you can’t even tell he is attracted to men, by looking at his manners, sense of fashion etc. Is he putting up an act? Or is he like a ‘top’?

The sex isn’t bad, but he says things like it’s been a while since he’s been with a woman. In fact his past few relationships have all been men. So am I like a phase, a change of scenery before he swings to the other side?

I have tried to bring up threesome with my straight fwb, but he’s not enthusiastic about it. We have had sex twice now, but he hasn’t brought up anal. In short, he isn’t anything like I imagined a bisexual guy to be. Other than his sexuality, he’s a normal guy who I enjoy spending time with. Are there any things I should know about before dating a bi person? It seems I can’t really get a read on him because of my inexperience.

Dear Misguided,

It’s totally cute that you love the gays so much, you dated a bisexual man. In fact, that’s probably one of the most dedicated acts I’ve heard of a hag partaking in; other than that plump woman who snuck into the dark room at Barcode and got caught sucking off all the queens. But remember: a bisexual is for life, not just for Christmas. And it seems that you primarily entered this relationship because of the novelty of dating a man that’s “half-gay”, then have your middle-class caucasian knickers in a twist when he’s not behaving gay enough.

Real talk, boo: If you’re looking for a GBF (gay best friend) that is also gonna dick you until your eyeballs pop out and roll across the bedroom floor, you’re living in a bigger fantasy world than Narnia. Well, you’re right about one thing, if he’s not drinking his martini with his pinky in the air, lisping about musical theatre and adjusting his floral neck scarf; he’s definitely putting up an act. As for being a top… He really doesn’t have much of an option, unless you plan to penetrate him with your podgy punani?

Although I’m confused as to why you’re so worried about being a “change of scenery” when you’re calling up all the home boys in ends to see if he’ll roger them while you cuckhold? You say he’s nothing like you imagined, but what did you imagine? A flouncing fag that was gonna pound you ’til you prolapse? Honey, you need to head to M&S, ’cause what you’re looking for, is called a blouse.

But yes, you’re right, there are things you should know about a bisexual before dating them: unless you’re a hemaphordite, they could cheat on at any point because they’re obviously greedy sluts. If he doesn’t lick you out, he’s definitely just gay. And if he hasn’t mentioned ‘anal’, then he’s probably a straight guy masquerading in a bisexual guy’s label – you know, for an easier life.

And finally… you may be shocked to hear this, but unlike lesbians or the French, BISEXUALS ARE PEOPLE TOO! The reason you’ve ended up with the shit end of his stick, is ’cause you subjected him to stereotype. And the wrong one, at that. So babe you could be fluent in brail and still not be able to “read” him. It’s not for lack of experience, but rather a distinct presence of ignorance. Try reading a book or an article before your partner.