Not, QUITE sure where to begin with this one. Knowing that Recon is for the – let’s say – kinkier gentleman, but never having had the app, we’re not sure if this is commonplace (on the app), but girl, what we do know is . Whatever “Pagan Poetry” is, it certainly differs from a bit of Oscar Wilde.

He’s got a “low voice”, so at least you know that when you’re elbow deep in his colon, she’ll be grunting like warthog and not squeeling like a queen front row at a Kylie concert. A “talented” hole; hmm, that’s a new one. Wonder if it does impersonations or can fart the National Anthem. And I mean, when you consider what he’s looking for, it’s quite generic really, so I’m sure there’s an abundance of rutty, hole-stretching, hot, sane, imaginative, interesting men about. We hope he’s got a mattress protector for when he’s getting “sloppy”.

And while there’s plenty of men who would appreciate a romantic walk under the stars, the only ones you’ll be seeing here are when he turns you inside out with the “tender” act of pummeling your guts. Although, not sure we’d describe fisting as “spiritual” – I mean, surely that’s not the reason that Ganesha has eight hands?

I’m sorry but “relentlessly punching”? You know what they say, ‘It’s all fun and games until somebody has to swap their man bag for a colostomy bag’.