Y’all know how we gave you heads up ’bout recently-out rugger Keegan Hirst heading to the First Dates restaurant with PT Paddy White? Well, we hope you tuned in… Especially if you love a car crash. That date was so awkward, we could see the crickets on the cutlery. We’re surprised a big old tumbleweed didn’t roll on set and knock the dinner table over.
Though the show is based around blind dates, and guests have no idea they are meeting a celebrity, it was evident that Paddy instantly recognised Keegan. Evident, as he did nothing to hide his excitement to Fred the matride. Well, that and his voice dropped a falsetto when he says hello “mate” – you know, that word that gay people add on to things to come across butcher. Honey, the only thing getting butchered tonight is the atmosphere.
White describes his ideal man as having “broad shoulders” and basically the rugby type, so naturally he was nervous. How do we know? Oh trust us, you can tell. You know that thing you do on a first date, where you talk incessant piles of chunky turd and your tongue just doesn’t seem to have sphincter to stop it? Well…
In that respect, we kinda felt sorry for him – but in fairness, he’s as good at dating as Melania Trump is at writing speeches.
It’s awkward from the get-go, as the pair sit down to eat – and Paddy’s offer to try each other’s food is rebuked by Keegan. It’s not unusual for people to try a bite of each other’s food on a date, but I wouldn’t really initiate that unless they’re like “oh that looks good”, or all eyeing up my plate. But Hirst went a little Tribbiani on his ass:
Would it have killed Keegan to have traded a bite? No. Did he have to react like Paddy was asking for spare change in the Elephant & Castle underpass? No. But was it a stupid request? Kind of.
Paddy then prizes into Hirst’s closeted past and being married to woman… You can’t control the quality of the food, but that is a recipe for disaster. To which Hirst tells him, “I’m not proud of being gay. I’m proud that I’m alright with being gay”. Babe, it’s not a handicap. You’re are allowed to be proud of being gay, it is how you were born. The same way you’re allowed to be proud of your gender, your race, or anything minority-defining quality other people have used to make you feel inferior to the CIS white heterosexual male. But well done for being “alright” with it.
Paddy then proceeds to call Keegan a “massive cuddle monster” as he squirms in his seat like he was a victim of Medieval torture. And as Paddy tries to turn the charm on, Keegan literally looks like he’s counting down the seconds before he can leave – you know like when you go to visit a relative in hospital.
And as if the date hadn’t already derailed, Paddy brashly asks, “Have you got any Irish in you? Do you want some?”
It’s one thing having banter with someone when you’ve got that kind of rapport going on, but babe you’ve barely got small talk and you wanna throw something that bold into the mix? THEN, just at the point when we’re like, damn, this shit is like pulling teeth with rusty pliers, Paddy pulls out something far worse… his phone. Flaunts a bunch of selfies, confesses to tweeting during sex:
Not really sure what that was meant to achieve. So surely we’re done now, right? Well, after Paddy attempts to make the conversation sexual one more time, but insinuating the benefits pineapple has on the taste of spunk. Ooh child, the only thing that’s coming, is the cheque.
We’re not saying the date was painful, but we’d rather have brunch with Boris Johnson. Still, at least Paddy knows he barely shut up – we’ve all been there (albeit at 21).
But first dates can be nervy enough, add to date the person you’re dining with plays for a national rugby team, and it’s being filmed for TV. Keegan should have enough awareness to realise that he’s on a date with someone that recognises him as being in the public eye, and been a little less stooshe.
Paddy needs to realise that being yourself is much more attractive “200 selfies a day” and all that other diarreah he was spouting to impress his date. We think they could both do with a little more practice…
If this is what the First Dates restaurant was serving, we’d be eating in the McDonald’s next door.