CALLING all relationship newbies! We have some very important news to report regarding your recent coupling. Are you shoving your relationship down the throats of everybody you know? Bombarding their News Feeds with nauseating displays of public affection? Suffocating anyone who will listen with constant drivel about how happy you are? No? Well, you should be!

A recent study at RelationshipWankers.com has shown that your relationship has basically zero validity until you declare it to the world via social media; in fact, unless you force-feed your happiness to other people, science says that you’re not truly happy. The same way that if you don’t check-in to the restaurant, you didn’t really eat.

So get smothering!

First things first, you have to alienate all of your friends. Honey, you have a boyfriend now… And who needs friends, when you’ve got a man? (Even if it is only for two weeks). Everybody knows that ‘friends’ are just for lonely singles, so when they complain that you don’t see them as much, or that you’ve changed since seeing your fella, ignore them – they’re all clearly just jealous ’cause you’ve managed to bag yourself a regular dicking, that will also spoil you with a quarter Nandos chicken with a side of coleslaw, one Tuesday a month.

Getting a boyfriend is like buying a new car; brag, brag, brag until you crash it head-on into a brick wall. The idea is to get as many people as possible, asking “how the fuck did that backward cunt with cheap hair gel get a boyfriend before me?” Just be careful not to alienate them completely, as you’ll still need them to pick up the pieces when you inevitably break-up in six days time.

Which brings me onto our next point, you have to get totally ahead of yourself – because that’s how true love works, it’s irrational and illogical – that’s exactly why Hollywood rom coms portray it as such.

For instance, it’s never to early to declare him as The One, as long as you’re on the first date and they’ve brought the bread dish, update your relationship status while he’s in the bathroom. Stuck for a second date? Introduce him to your parents. Third date? Get matching tattoos of each other’s names. Go on holiday. Get a cat. Give him a kidney. There’s no such thing as moving too fast when you’re in love. (Or a car without brakes).

Make sure you photograph every little thing he does for you, or buys you. You want everyone to know how amazing you boyfriend is; that bouquet of weeds snatched from a roadside car crash he sent to your work, that Davidoff Cool Water aftershave he got for your birthday, the spaghetti hoops and smiley faces he burnt for you on Valentines Day – FLAUNT IT! And don’t feel bad about making single people bitter, they could only hope for a boyfriend that showers them with such embarrassment affection.


Of course, everyone is totally gagged that you’ve finally found someone who can tolerate you, so supplying them with a tirade of selfies together is an absolute must. After all, romance doesn’t really exist if it isn’t documented for hundreds of people to see. Hold hands along the river, snuggle up on Sundays, kiss at sunset, dry hump on Snapchat, let him lick you out at an Adele concert. Love – like your social etiquette – has no boundaries!

And don’t forget to caption all your uploads too. “Heading to the cinema with the boy”… “Look what bae got me!”… “My man is the cutest”. I mean, you wouldn’t dare want anybody to mistake you for being single when you’ve finally found your ‘other half’. It was such a struggle being half a person to begin with, after all. Not only that, but this technique provides a gentle reminder to everyone that YOU (against all odds) have a boyfriend, so you carry that soggy cornflake on your arm like it’s a damn Dior purse, girlfriend! Well, at least until he gets you last season’s one from TK MAXX for your five hour anniversary.

If you put all of this into place, you should be single again and heartbroken within the month! Don’t forget to update your status about that too – you’ll need to inform everyone so you can get that sympathy from auntie Janet.

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But on the plus side – you get to fall head over heels with the next complete stranger you meet! Every cloud has a silver lining! (But it’s still a fucking cloud, you cunt).