She won’t ever go out with anyone other than these gay male friends, turns down invitations from friends etc., apart from family friends, doesn’t even want to spend time with me, doing “couple-y” things, but I do.

She’s always going to gay bars with the male friends, and very rarely anywhere else and refuses to let me come with her, claims I wouldn’t like it, I wouldn’t get on with them but that argument seems weird to me. Surely if they’re good people their sexualities not an issue?. It’s very odd this behaviour and I just can’t understand why she does this.

I’m not against her having a good time or jealous of her being with other men, it’s how she ends up afterwards that I’m concerned about. She always ends up with either a bruised leg, a sore stomach, a grazed knee, or struggles to stand up, let alone walk and has to be helped by one of her friends, or comes in so drunk her speech is slurred… always after these nights out.

She does this every Friday and Saturday night and only rarely spends a night in with me. Why is she like this. Please help me deal with the situation, I just can’t cope with this.

Dear Dud,

The reasoning behind your wife’s decision is quite simple… gay men are fabulous. Far more fabulous than the straight-laced middle-class girlfriends that she knows from her humdrum childhood. Also FYI, “couple-y” things, are boring as fuck. Sorry honey, but you’ve snagged yourself an A-grade hag. And ain’t no fag hag wanna sip English tea and eat crustless cucumber sandwiches on a Sunday afternoon when she can be gurning her face off at a chill out watching her camp crew stumble around in hot pink platforms.

The fact that she refuses to let you come with her, means she doesn’t want you cramping her style. After all, you gotta remember she’s surrounded by a gaggle of deluded queens 24/7 so she probably thinks she’s something special now, even when she’s walking through the village with her heels in her hand all alone because her friends have ditched her for Grindr links. That is, unless you’re ugly, dull or badly dressed, then the bitch has a point.

Either that or she’s getting herself in such a state she doesn’t want you to see; which by the sounds of her injuries, is most certainly the case. But hey, perhaps if you pounded that pussy so hard she couldn’t walk in the first place she wouldn’t be hanging round with a bunch of fairies. To be fair though, you’re lucky she’s coming home the same night drunk, and not three days later with a stomach ulcer from ingesting an entire pharmaceutical company. I’d just use the opportunity to take advantage of her, if she’s gonna come home slobbering all over the sofa, she might as well do it on your dick.

And of course, you’re not jealous of her hanging round with other men, because you know none of them would poke her if their life depended on it. There’s a number of reasons why she doesn’t spend time with you, perhaps she just values the company of care-free gays. Then again, perhaps it’s the seven year itch; something women don’t experience when you’re seven inches deep inside them. Or, of course, it could be as simple as her being a wild child not wanting to ride a brain-dead pony (no offence).

SO, you need to decide… Is this trashy-ass raver The One? If not, then let her run wild into the vortex of the gay scene and live a fun-filled life until she realises that the strobe lights are as bright as her future and she’ll be 64 years-old telling uninterested club kids about how things were much better “back in the day”.

If she is, however, then you gotta up your game, honey-child. This one sounds like she’s not ready to settle for Dominoes and watching Eastenders… I’d say, start going out with an even wilder gay gang and start making her jeal. Or, have an affair; she’ll soon start paying attention.

Good luck! Xoxo