You’re thinking, No, stop. You can’t be serious. We are. First, all these Glasweigan basket-cases go nuts and bolts and glass a man over his head, like they’re in some rowdy pub brawl in Croydon. Then people are lobbing up in the aisles. But now a 33-year-old Mexcian woman was stroking her tuna purse in the middle of the cinema. And she can’t have been too subtle either, because cinema-goers around her actually alerted security.

If you’re gonna gun yourself out at the movies at least do it under your poncho. And quietly. People probably thinking who’s squelching round the cinema with their muddy shoes. Watching 50 Shades thinking, damn this film is good, the cinema even smell like fish. Absolutely scarlet for her. Imagine having to decline invites to the cinema, “Sorry can’t go to that one, got thrown out for stuffing my hand up me guff”. Or the whispers behind her back, “Oh, don’t invite Gabriella to see Magic Mike XXL with us, she’ll be fingering her snatch and leaking across the floor before we get to see the end”.

So here you go y’all… women can be perverts too.