Bleach, Aviators, Bronzed Skin & Skimpy Swimwear are clear tell-tale signs of a gay (in case you didn’t know).

Some people grow up with a perfectly tuned gaydar, like a sixth sense – I, unfortunately, wasn’t one of them. My gaydar was actually more shocking than Nicole Richie in the blue bikini. Luckily, over the years, I’ve been able to fine-tune it (ish). We’ll start with the gay hair and work our way down to the Prada slip-ons.

Hair: Does he have a Mr. Toppers haircut? Us gays love a bargain, so when Soho trims cost under a tenner, they’re pretty popular. Does he have a ‘swish’? If his hair has more movement than a Tsunami – it’s the tidal wave of queerness.
If his hair is straightened, quaffed, back-combed, peroxide or all-of-the-above, you can skip the rest of this article – he’s a flaming ‘mo dear.

Eyes: Is he making eye contact with you? Men who are less comfortable with their sexuality (straight) tend to avoid eye contact with other men. Look out for subtly long/dark lashes (tinted and curled), groomed brows and the make of his shades. Gays LOVE aviators – just saying.

Skin: The second the sun is out, so are the XTGs and the baby oil, i.e. watch out for Dale Winton/TOWIE tans. Lighter complexions with shadowed contours is almost definitely make up, that may even be his job – no judgement please! Working on a MAC counter may be CAMP but it’s better than a Tesco kiosk. And think of all the free shit you’ll get for your sister… or tranny friend.

Mouth: It’s hard to explain, but certain homos just have “gay mouth”. It kind of looks like a pussy on its side (I would imagine?). Fleshy, pink and pouted. It’s the baby pink colour lips go when they’ve been sucking off all day. (I know you’ve seen porn where the passive bitch has it).

Hands: Are her nails trimmed? (If they’re manicured, French tips included – step away from the queen!). If she’s gay, they should be – unless he’s gonna be dragging the fecal matter and intestines out from his nail beds. If she’s wearing a Tiffany charm bracelet or a pink wrist watch – I think you know wife and kids are not in the picture.

Walk: Does he walk with his hips or his feet? ‘Cause you know if you can serve that shit with a lasagne, it’s not a walk honey, it’s a mince.

Feet: Any footwear can be adopted by gays. But ones that prove popular for the HOMOsapiens, are high-tops (’cause they’re totes fierce), flip-flops (God knows why) and heels (duh). If he’s wearing crocs (spastic plastic), espadrilles (mesh on cork), or split toe trainers (camle toe flippers), he’s either fashion-backward, and straight – or just not even worth a second class – simple.

That’s our weave to toe (ring) guide to a good gaydar. Use (or discard) as necessary.