If you’ve ever dreamed of escaping to paradise, Eden wants you to know: paradise is just group therapy with heatstroke. Oh, and a few dicks for good measure.

Ron Howard drops a bunch of idealists on a remote island in 1929 — Jude Law plays a philosophy bro with delusions of grandeur, dragging Vanessa Kirby (criminally underused, still flawless) into his crazed island cult. TBF, if the cult involves Jude Law full naked, count us in.

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Then Sydney Sweeney arrives, closely followed by Ana de Armas and within minutes it’s murder, mind games, and missing poultry. Honestly? It’s like Love Island for the emotionally disturbed.

Toby’s penis – unlike Jude’s – really is a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, unless you’re a C&C writer…

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