So, no boyfriend? Seeing anyone? Any man in your life? URGH, die bitch. All up in my personal life like a prostate exam. Like, do I have to have man? I done and gone 25 years without one, and I’m still standing. In fact, I’m standing way taller than those who got a ball and chain clamped to their ankles. Still though, when someone goes lengthy periods of time without a significant other, you can’t help but think – wtf is actually wrong with you? Let’s devise via their responses…

He says: “I’m actually quite shy when it comes to boys”
In a word: Insecure
GIRL, you probably wanna put hot pokers in your ears when you hear people say “You gotta learn to love yourself, before anyone else can love you”. Yep, that means you gotta learn to love (or at very least, accept) that muffin top, your disappearing hairline or that shrimp dick. We’re sure you’ve seen these cocky bastards getting boys-a-plenty. And they’re no oil painting for sure, so how do they do it? Quite simply, confidence. There’s nothing sexy about a guy that sunbathes in his suit. If you can’t work with what you got, you need to change it. And if you can’t change it, time to deal. Although having a better body will even make you feel less conscious of things the gym can’t fix. Otherwise you end placing these simpletons above you. And if there’s one place nobody wants to be the bottom, it’s in the pyramid of life.

He says: “I get bored easily”
In a word: Slut
You know how some people got two episodes into Breaking Bad and then get bored? Yeah that’s you, only with inches of dick. He’s barely pulled out and you’re already draped over the next temporary amusement. Maybe if you kept your legs together and briefs on long enough to realise the man was as exciting as dental floss to begin with, you’d be able to decipher a relationship deeper than his G-spot. Although even the interesting ones aren’t so interesting once you’ve dicked ‘em. Look forward to years of Grindr misery and 2-Dimensional-2-month-trysts, until you realise it’s what’s inside – not who you’re inside next – that counts.

He says: “I honestly don’t know”
You fucking crazy
Oh, you don’t know? OK, Pinnochio. Sure, you’re great on paper, but then you’re hacking his social networks, and you’ve only been dating him two weeks. He be like, “what you fancy for dinner?” And you’re serving Loco-lasagne with a big bowl of nuts on the side. Or, “what you wanna do later?”
“I DON’T KNOW, WHY DON’T YOU ASK THAT SLUT WHO COMMENTED ON YOUR SELFIE?!”
Sister, we suggest you take a walk down Morrisons freezer isle, because you need to chill. Relationships are supposed to be about running hand-in-hand through fields of flowers. Not chasing your man through cornfields with a chainsaw. He don’t know what’s going on in your head, but he knows it’s messier than a blender without the lid on. So either you tone that shit down and meet a normal man, or you find some brut who’s equally unstable and see who kills the other one first.

He says: “I’m too picky”
In a word: Snob
“Urgh, I could never date him… His mother’s best friend has arthritis, and it just doesn’t look in wedding photos”. But no, you’re not a snob – you’ve just got standards, surely? Is that why you’d rather freeze to death than wear a jumper not made from cashmere? Taking the gherkins out of your burger is picky, you is a princess. Well, before she inherited the money to make herself pretty. You may think of yourself as royalty, but we both know you’re not so picky after three months without sex when your mangina starts twitching. This path will only ever lead to you passing up on a number of eligible(ish) men, without substantial reason. On the plus side, at least you’ll have loads of cats for company. No? Too picky for pets?

He says: “I think men find me intimidating”
In a word: Bitch
The way the excuse scuttles out of that perma-pout as though you have no idea how anyone could be intimidated by such a shrinking violet. Honey, even Cruella Deville be treading on egg shells around you. But, you’re just strong-minded, independent and outspoken, and there’s nothing wrong with that, right? Hmm, not if you wanna die alone bitterly clutching an empty Smirnoff bottle while making prank calls to orphanages. All of them adjectives just synonyms for loud, self-absorbed and bossy, anyway. Put a tea cosy over that heart, Wilhelmina.