As America – and anywhere in the world there are minorities – await the release of Stormy Daniel’s tell-all book Full Disclosure, an extract has been released to The Guardian, and it has Best Seller written all over it already.

In the snippet, Daniels gives a detailed description of what Donald Trump’s dick looks like. Not that any of us want know, while at the same time all of us wanting to know. Well, wait no more, sis…

She describes Trump’s penis as “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small.”

“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…

“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…

“It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”

I am fucking DEAD… She went IN. Yeti pubes is a personal fave, that we will use to describe men with straggly pubes entwined the length of their shaft. As for it looking like Toad from Mario Kart, it’s a relevant 90s reference that will resonate with many an 80s/90s kid. Although it may also have ruined our favourite Nintendo game forever.

You can just picutre the president reading her account, gently lifting his wispy wig, and muttering “biiiiiitch…” in the voice of Tamar Braxton.