I’m a 32-year-old woman and I’ve been with my partner for 10 years (married for four) and we have a child together who is nearly seven. I have never been paranoid before about what my husband gets up to and have always trusted him. That was until I used his phone to search for something online and found a tab open for a gay porn site. I looked at his history and found lots more gay porn.

Now I’m very suspicious about him and his friendship with his best mate, as they are always together to the point where he barely spends any time with me. They even go for meals and to the cinema together. I’d always put this down to the fact they’re such close mates, but now all the pieces add up and point to the fact that they’re more than friends.

Should I confront him?

Hey Hag,

How you holding up, hun? It can’t be easy knowing that the man you’ve been with for a decade has been rogering Roger after Pizza Express. On the other hand, at least that explains why he always wanted to have sex doggy-style with your head in the pillow. As he tugged on your hair imagining it was Johnny Depp. But joking aside, after that period of time, it must’ve hit you like an insult from a drag queen.

You say that you’ve never been paranoid before – so I’m guessing either your husband deserves a Tony (although he’s probably got plenty in his phone book), or you’re extremely self-absorbed. In which case, you probably should have noticed that he came twice as quick with two fingers up his arse, rather than thinking about how your hairdresser messed up your roots. But I must be honest, you don’t really sound too shocked at the library of cream pies in his camera roll. So I’m assuming your issue is more with the constant lying to bum around (no pun intended) with his reach around buddy.

Did you not notice that he hardly spent any time with you until now? I knew you were self-involved. No offence, but you seem more chuffed that you finally figured out why he comes home late smelling of poo and shame, than you do about the fact that your marriage is a sham. Well done, Nancy Drew. So while it’s quite clear that your marriage – like my Martini – is on the rocks, the big question is what you gonna do, Suzie Q? Do you want to cling on to the dregs of your relationship while your man sticks it to Steve every Orange Wednesday (or should that be Brown Wednesday)? Or do you wanna be single, sassy and self-obsessed?

Confront him if you must, but the damage is already done. Personally, I think it would be more fun to follow him. Track his phone. Set up hidden cameras in the house. You know, just for the bants. Go like Phoebe when she found out about Monica and Chandler – if he’s going to a “movie” – grill him about the plot afterwards. And obviously check with the cinema to see how long the film is with trailers, and match-up the times. If he’s been noticeably longer, ask where they went for dinner, check his bank statements to confirm. Be a real Nancy Drew.

Then when you have confirmation, drop the rugrat at your mum’s, and get absolutely gattered on Long Island Iced Teas in the middle of the day – then when he comes home with his homies pubes in his teeth, demolish his car with one of his golf clubs. You know what they say: where there’s a will, there’s a publicity stunt! And causing a scene is so cathartic. Also if you’re feeling embarrassed, it’s totally couth to retaliate. Then get the fuck outta there like a fart on fire, cause an angry gay man will snatch your weave straight from the root.

Laters! xoxo