WORDS: Anthony Gilét

A while back we discussed just seven of the things that can make a man instantly more attractive (without surgery, great expense and extensive procedures, etc) – when now we flip the tables and look at the things you do, or have, that make a man say ‘hell-to-the no!’

1. Bad underwear

You know when you drunkenly stumble out of Heaven with a fit stranger, who’s the tastiest thing you’ve seen since Magic Mike in 3D. You hail a black cab, make the driver feel awkward by exploring each other’s crotches before he’s barely pulled out his parking spot. Get back to his, wake up his overbearing flat mate and whip off the jeans… And kneel down before those stretchy crinkled waistband,  ill-fitting, no brand boxers. Honey, no. If your boxers make one recoil, they definitely don’t wanna hang around to find out what’s underneath.
“Taxiii!”

2. Slutty/Basic Statuses

These can literally be soul destroying. They’re one of the main things that make a guy go instantly from ‘potential husband’ to ‘one night ride’. Seriously, nobody wants to marry a guy that lets the world know when he’s walking home from a Grindr shag. I mean, why not just upload the photos of him sitting on your face? Or check-in to Chariots? Thirsty bitch.
Similarly nobody gives a flying fuck about your cat taking a nap in the afternoon or how blessed you feel your life is because the cashier at Tesco told you to have a nice day. Get a life cunt.

3. Bald cocks

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing worse than straggly pubes (that’s not what we meant when we said “I’m flossin’”). But there is definitely such a thing as ‘over-grooming’. Of course, everybody realises the obvious ‘enlarging’ benefit of manscaping, but nobody cares how big your cock is, if it gives them stubble rash every time they blow you. It also makes your dick look like that little old man wandering round Sainsbury’s because he’s forgotten where he is.

4. Too much make up

It’s not necessarily about not wearing make up at all…Trust, a little concealer goes a long way when you’ve been in Vauxhall for three days straight. By all means, if you can have a flourishing social life without looking like you’ve been butchered, buried and freshly dug up on a Monday morning – hats off to you. But if the bags under your eyes are deeper than Jessica Simpson’s self-esteem issues, then a bit of Touché Eclat won’t go a miss. Basically if you can’t tell you’re wearing it, you’re all good. When your mush looks like it’s been face fucked by a bag of Wotsits – you need to take a step back. And if you’re eyebrows are pencilled on (especially if you’re not a drag queen), believe me – nobody would object if you shot yourself in the face.

5. Unhealthy Obsessions

Obsessions are never usually a good thing, but if he feels he’s gonna come second best in your relationship to a pop star, then that’s not a good start… On a level, if I woke up every morning with my boyfriend blaring out Gaga’s latest album – despite how horrendously shit it was – I’m not sure which I’d break first, his knee caps or the speakers. (Although probably the knee caps as sound systems are expensive). Similarly, if you spend the first date listing all the things you love about Beyoncé, he’s adding another thing to his list of reasons you’re not compatible. And it’s not just pop stars either, I once dated a guy that was totes in to helping other people… Like, how is gonna buy me jewellery if he’s volunteering for free? Obvs, I dropped him off at Cancer Research with last season’s wardrobe.

6. Skimpy Outfits

I can preach about this one, because I speak from experience. When I first came out, I thought that the skimpier the better. Little did I know that while I saw a Pussycat Doll in the mirror, everyone else saw Polly Pocket (on acid). Sure, some of my outfit choices would make Elton John look butch, but at least mine was just a phase. There are some men in my gym that are still getting it wrong, and I’m sorry but unless you’re a nine year-old girl, you shouldn’t be wearing spaghetti straps and lycra flares, i.e. if he can see both your nipples and a mamel toe, don’t expect to get the number.

7. Lack of dance moves

It’s surprising how important a guy’s dance moves can affect your perception of him. You get those guy’s who get so high that just go totally over the top and all you can think when you look at them is how much they look like Mr. Bean having a seizure. Then there’s the guy who stole his moves from LMFAO and sister-friend winding her neck so hard she gonna end up in a collar brace.

Listen, if you can’t bust a move… two step like the rest of the queens with two left feet. Or sit in the smoking area.

Other posts you might like:
>> 7 Things That Automatically Make A Man More Attractive
>> How To… Be The Ultimate Bar Flirt
>> The Fairy And The Mary