This week Cocktails and Cocktalk is in Gran Canaria for their annual Pride celebrations, which is why our posts have been few and far between lately (apologies). And we’ve brought over a couple of ‘first timers’, so here’s our totally serious guide on how to prepare yourself for a gay holiday…

Get A Base Tan


Looking at someone’s skinny shins poking out from their cargo shorts is a vulgar sight to inflict on anyone, especially if you’re a pasty cunt. Don’t be that person. And if you don’t build up a base before you go, the chances of burning are higher, and nobody wants to sit opposite somebody that makes Katie Piper’s skin look flawless. Your best bets are to cane the sunbed beforehand… on the scale of one to tanned, you want to be Amy Childs.

New Summer Wardrobe 


If you think it’s OK to rock the same clothes abroad that you wear round your yard, you might as well give up now, you’re basically retarded. Your case should be packed with nothing but slinky vests, skimpy shorts and a shit load of crap from the H&M girls section. If you’re not shitting rainbows and burping glitter by Day 3, you’re outfits just aren’t camp enough.

Get Buff 


It’s crunch time. You’ve got a holiday wardrobe that would make Boy George look butch, now all you need is the body. You should be working out every second of the day, whether that’s on a treadmill at the gym or clenching your kegel muscles in church, there’s no excuse. If you wanna bang the creme de la creme of the creme de la feme, just bare in mind: hot guys don’t fuck wobbly Wendy’s. You should also start building up your ego, guys love arrogant Muscle Marys like an outbreak of herpes.

Excrutiating Diet


The pressure to look good on a gay holiday trumps that of any catwalk model. Exercising alone isn’t enough. If you’re not in shape, you’re so irrelevant, you might as well be invisible. And that’s not a sister being harsh, but you know the gays are more shallow than Helen Flannagan’s personality. By shredding your physique you separate the boys from the men. And just FYI, “boys” are more out of fashion than crocs.You also separate the vain from the lazy. In order to achieve the body of an Adonis your diet should consist of chicken and lettuce, like a rabbit.



Grooming is imperative. Listen, ain’t nobody wanting their flossing to coincide with deep throating. Especially not when it’s 35c at a slutty pool party, so that bush should be gone quicker than Tulisa’s stint on X Factor. But just FYI, you should probably avoid a completely bald cock unless you want your dick to look like a newly born bird. You can even take tips from the twink’s book of irrelevance and pluck your eyebrows to shit and throw on lash extensions if you want to go out in full armour (and home alone).

New Haircut 


A fresh trim is the icing on the cake of a banging outfit, so why not go all out? Take a leaf out of Britney’s book (of tragedy) and do the Shameless skin head look. You’ll definitely get loads of attention if you look like you’ve been raped by alopecia. May not be good attention but it has to be better than being ignored, right?

Gear Up Your Liver


When you’re on holiday you tend to drink (and sniff) a lot more than normal, and everybody knows that “gay holiday” is just code for ‘drinking/drug binge in a hotter, less developed country’. You wouldn’t run a marathon without training, right? So we suggest you get royally fucked up the night before, don’t sleep, and be a total sweaty warthog rushing for your flight; after all what’s an entrance if you’re not fashionably late. And being the last one on the plane means everyone can check out what a hot mess you are.

Gear Up Your Groin 


Not only, are ‘gay holidays’ renowned for drowning your livers in cheap vodka, but their also renowned for being more promiscuous than Charlotte Crosby. Nobody wants ‘cock fright’ while they’re abroad, so fuck as people as possible before you leave. If you‘re not dragging a prolapse across the Yumbo centre, then you ain’t ready, girl. Plus men really dig that dick breath you’ll have going on.

Other posts you might like:
>> How To… Be The Ultimate Bar Flirt
>> How To… Master A Hangover
>> 30 Ways You Know You’re In G-A-Y