WORDS: Anthony Gilét

We’ve all got that one friend that can get a man any night of the week, and while the only the thing you’re swallowing is a large doner kebab and a ton of pride, you begin to wonder how they do it. Well some people can’t be taught ‘game’, but here’s what we can pass on to you…

Have more than one on go:


It’s no fun putting all your eggs in one basket, cause when that basket gets a hole in it, you’re fucked. And probably covered in egg. (Or something like that?)

Your best bets are to broaden your chances by being a bit flirty with two or three guys in the bar. Maybe a couple guys that are a bit different, just to keep yourself on your toes. If you’re not challenged you might as well be in Chariots. Also this way, if you’re not getting a reciprocated vibe from one of them, your ego won’t be more bruised than Gemma Collin’s tits on Splash.

Don’t kiss publicly


Being a kissing whore is totally fun (and OK, believe it or not). Not only is having kissed a frog while licked on Black Sambucca quite a funny story, you don’t really feel major regret afterwards… Catching the bus home from the frog’s flat the next morning on the other hand…

And anyway on the gay scene a snog is just like shaking someone’s hand. But, you should never let the whole the bar seeing you sucking each other’s face off as the last song plays in the middle of G-A-Y Late. ‘Cause even though you’re living, if there’s one thing two paraletic queers snogging is not, its pretty to look to at. Nobody wants to see you tonguing with some horned-up scene queen in the middle of East Bloc either; it’s about as horny as watching a dwarf get rimmed by a goat.

Don’t go home with anyone



The ultimate bar flirt doesn’t go home with somebody on that first night. If a guy is really hot and wants to get you home quicker than you can say ‘skirt up, knickers to the side’, it can be hard to resist – but have some restraint sister; practise makes perfect, and the more you tease the idea, the hotter for it he’ll be. Although if you do wanna bang him, don’t drag this on for too long or the moment will pass by quicker than Joe McElderry’s singing career.

Nail the dress code


Being dressed appropriately for the occasion should go without saying, but people underestimate the power of a good outfit. Not only is it what he sees before you try getting your flirt on, Megan Fox style, but you also don’t act comfortable if you feel uncomfortable. If it’s a new event you’re going to, try and suss out the level of smartness. Allow turning up to Fire in a shirt, or to Rupert Street in go-go shorts; you’ll stand out like Susan Boyle at a Miss World contest.

Watch your alcohol intake


It sounds totes boring, but the most successful flirts don’t wake up the morning after thinking, ‘what the fuck was I chatting to him about?’ They also don’t wake up next to the fat best friend of the ‘target’. Basically, when your alcohol intake reaches a certain point, you have as much care for any of the other points made on this post as the rest of Destiny’s Child did for Michelle.



It’s such an underrated tip. Whether you like your smile or not; for every time you cringe at your smile, there’s three people in the room that think it’s your selling point. Just remember, happiness attracts happiness. That’s why Anna Wintour has been alone for as many years as she can remember.

Be forward


It sounds a bit tacky, but you don’t get the most out of life by being coy. I’m definitely not suggesting you greet him by grabbing his cock and squeezing in to a grotty cubical for an ill-manoeuvred blowie. But by all means give him a pretty tell-tale sign you like him; a generic comment on his Facebook check-in is not enough. Once you’ve told him he looks really good while giving occasional glances to his body (this lets somebody know you have a physical connection, whilst looking in their eyes signifies a mental one)… leave the ball in his court. The only thing worse than not getting the guy because you were too shy is repeatedly laying it on him with unrequited behaviour. You’ll look thirstier than Miley Cyrus’ Instagram.

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