So, basically, have you ever embarrassed yourself on public transport? Of course you have. Well, if you’re human you have. Well anything you’ve done… this is gonna make you feel just that little bit better. I’ve got friends that have dropped a 1.5 after the Sex And The City movie and collapsed ithe aisle on the Jubilee Line. I’ve got friends that have got so wankered in G-A-Y they’ve tossed off a chav on the top deck of the 176 bus. I’ve got friends that have fallen asleep on the EuroStar with their flies undone and their shaft sneaking out to say hello to the bewildered elderly woman in the next seat. And I have a feeling they would all throw a gasp my way after last night…

So it was a heavy night after seven hours or so, of drinking in Soho. A friend had asked me to crash at his but I had insisted on getting on the bus home, alone. So that I did. When the bus arrived, I conveniently couldn’t find my money but luckily had my bank card to get on. I took up my usual spot on the top deck towards the back, and was naturally fast asleep within minutes. Literally passed out quicker than Portia Di Rossi at a dildo seminar.

When I came around a half hour or so later, I was a lot closer to my stop and surprised to see my best mate sitting in front of me.
Oh. He’s decided to come to mine then…
…as he often does. The last hour or so was a blur, so I didn’t think twice about giving him a ‘wet willy’. (Sucking my finger and pushing it into his ear). And when he ignored me, I made sure I’d slurped fully over my finger before doing it a second time. Having him turn around and reveal himself as a shocked Spanish boy (that wasn’t my friend) left me more embarrassed than Iggy Azalea’s pussy on the red carpet.

Oh. My. God. Had I just tongued my own index finger and penetrated a stranger’s ear with it? Yes. And on the scale of one to embarrassed, how mortified was I? Janet Jackson’s tit at the Superbowl.
He turned around rapidly, shot me a look that said he found it funny too – you know, like the look Bambi gave the hunter before it blasted a hole in his mother’s head – and then wiped his ear. Never in my life have I wanted to die on public transport so much; except for that time Adele took the last seat on the Central Line in rush hour. Lord. I had just wet-willied someone that wasn’t even a family member or a best mate. Queue the next 45 minutes of me clutching my forehead in pure shame. Oh well, at least I hadn’t just dropped my faff out at Cannes, (eh, Eva Longoria?).

It was around that point that I’d remembered my friend had left in the opposite direction and got his own bus… naturally, as he lives in North. Well, that’d be the only person I was licking out tonight anyway – and even that stranger had got more action than I had. He was basically lucky tbf…

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