Going Up: Blouses

Blouse; noun:
A feminine Top. A term used to describe a camp gay man that surprisingly takes the dominant role in the bedroom.

Blouses are becoming increasingly popular – and as stated above, we’re not talking about the item of women’s clothing. You can judge someone just by looking at them, but it doesn’t mean you’re right. On the outside, one can look like a Bratz doll, but then you actually find out that they banged your ex in Barcelona. But these bitches aren’t the ones going up in our chart. We’re talking about the guys who share your love for US dramas, Little Mix and know how to dress themselves – but when all is said and done they give as good as they receive.

Going Down: Morning Sex


This is a controversial statement, but I don’t like morning sex. Not at the moment anyway. It’s cold for fuck sake, I don’t wanna get up earlier than I have to, just to have someone’s dry mouth and crusty lips forced up and down my genitalia. It’s ain’t doing things for me. If we wake up naturally that’s a different story, but if it’s 7am before the heatings come on – call me a moody bitch – but I’d much rather have the half hour catching Zs.

Going Up: Hands-free Ejaculation

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This is boss; if you can make a guy come without the use of either one of your hands – you’re going to give him a memorable orgasm. Most of us know that it’s hard to make a man jizz with just the use of oral sex; but it can definitely be done – chances are higher if he has the hangover horn. When you’re fucking a guy, the amount of pleasure he receives can be down to a number of things; speed, intensity, and ultimately the shape of both your genitals (some guys just “interlock” better), but your best bet is finding out what he enjoys most. Alternatively, get him high off his tits.

Going Down: Mid-Season TV Breaks


This is just wrong! I believe it started a few years back when the writer’s strike began. I don’t know what it was for, and as a writer myself I’m sure it was a very “valid” reason – but as an avid fan of US Drama, what da fuq? I’ve been without Revenge (above) and American Horror Story for two weeks now! Hostages is the only other epic drama still going (and after Monday’s shocking episode BOY is it going!) Thankfully I have The Mindy Project and a couple other scrapings to see me through the week, but get your shit together writers!

Going Up: Alternative Birthdays


“Hey, it’s my birthday – wanna come to the club night that they’ve put me on the poster for?” Yawn. Yeah maybe if this was 2010. Doing something original sets you apart from a dying trend and proves that you’re about more than just getting buzzing. We recommend karaoke (private rooms at Karaoke Box and Lucky Voice are perfect for people that hate the idea because they can’t hit a note), roller disco – because putting on blades and pretending you’re from the ‘Public Affair‘ video is too fun for words, and theme parks – such as Winter Wonderland.

Going Down: Camel Toe


This is not a trend that should be catching on. Miley Cyrus is the main offender, and Lady Gaga isn’t far behind – alebit hers looks more like a Moose’s knuckle than a camel toe. Iggy Azalea was also subject to a wardrobe malfunction recently when her tuna passage popped out on the red carpet. And now Lil Kim has upstaged them all with a gargantuous minge that looked like it was gonna swallow the whole of the O2 Arena.
2007 saw a surge in going commando, especially amongst irresponsible celebrity role models, and it seems the fad is attempting to penetrate (ahem) it’s way back into the mainstream. Not on our crotch… we mean, watch. And we’ve no doubt that she’ll get to her late twenties and regret parading her kebab around the EMAs.

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