By Anthony Gilét

Last week we explored the surefire ways you know you’re a Vauxhall trashbag. This week, we take a look at the things that define a visit to one of Soho’s most popular bars. Do you remember that time you wrestled a midget to the floor in the main room of Heaven? Of course. What about when you fingered that boy on the main stage? Afraid so. How about when you were drinking cocktail jugs with a straw and woke up on top of your friend’s overweight co-worker? Unfortunately.

1. You get asked to do Porn Idol

gay-whome

2. ‘Porn Idol’ – You’re thinking this…

gay-buff2

3. You’re getting this…

gay-pornidol

4. The cheap drinks mean you’re sloshed in less than 45 minutes

vauxhall-state5

5. Go home with someone you really wouldn’t normally have done

gay-meg

6. Can hear Dolly Parton

gay-dolly

7. G-A-Y Late always seems like the best idea at the time…

gay-twerk

8. Until you wake up the next day…

gay-hangover

9. When you haven’t pulled by 2am, you’ll get a bit like this

gay-2am

10. And end up settling for what you can get

gay-settling

11. God forbid a Facebook check-in…

gay-checkin

12. You’ve thrown up in the smoking area

gay-vomit

13. Have had a verbal war with an aggressive lady sporting a mullet

gay-lesbian

14. Have been turned away from Late because you were too drunk

gay-drunk

15. Or didn’t have your membership card

gay-reaction

16. You’ve fallen out with your best friend on the dance floor

gay-stab

17. …Before an emotional climax

gay-emot

18. After six Jaegerbombs, got a little happy with your card

gay-ballin

19. Had total shade with some queen in a belly top

gay-shade

20. You hear Lady Gaga’s ‘Telephone’ seven times in one night

gay-membership

21. There’s always somebody showing their best moves

gay-dancing

22. An odd loner with four teeth attempts to chat you up

gay-grumpy

23. You have to babysit your really drunk straight friend

gay-str8

24. Bumping into an ex is inevitable as some point

gay-ex2

25. When Little Mix are performing at Heaven and you need to be at the front of the stage

gay-fight

26. When the queue from Heaven runs all the way up to Charing Cross Road…

gay-hell-no

27. Think you’re the shit because you’re in Departure Lounge

gay-vip

28. Your memory only consists of this…

gay-tequila

29. Come midnight, you think you own this move

gay-dutty

30. Fag hags always get the dress code wrong

gay-gypsy

Other posts you might like:
>> 25 Ways You Know You’re A Vauxhall Trashbag
>> Did I Ever Tell You About My BOYFRIEND?
>> The Villagers of Orgy