WORDS BY: Anthony Gilét
Heavy weekend? Early start? Busy tube? Raining with no umbrella? Dick-stick of a boss? You may feel like the grumpiest cunt in the world on a Monday Morning – especially seen as you haven’t slept since Thursday. But here are 15 people who feel worse than you, guaranteed. So it’s true – misery does love company.
1. Eeyore (Winnie the Pooh)
He’s the epitome of ‘miserable cunt’. How was a pessimist allowed to feature in a children’s book and TV show? I personally blame Eeyore responsible for all the normal children that grow up to be manic depressives.
2. Grumpy Cat (All over the internet)
It’s the most famous pussy since Paris Hilton discovered underwear. Although I’m guessing people actually like to look at this one. No matter how pleasant mood you’re in, Grumpy Cat will always shut it down. Like Piers Morgan, he’s always gotta put that two pence in whether you wanna hear it or not.
3. Dr. Cox (Scrubs)
He is ‘Mr. Sarcastic’. And just when you think he’s paying you a compliment, he’ll swoop in like Kanye West and take away that award of self-satisfaction. Cold, hard, plastic. He clearly has total management issues too, but you’d still totally try and do him if he was your boss though, right?
4. Droopy
I think Droopy has it quite tough. Firstly, his name comes from the fact he has a droopy face. We wouldn’t say that to somebody just after a stroke, so why should we to him? That’s a matter for the RSPCA if ever I heard one. Droopy started out as a young and vibrant character but the perils of fame soon took hold and he became hooked on marijuana. His lack of any enthusiasm for anything and loss of elasticity to the skin prove that. Plus, those heavy eyelids are the tell-tale sign of a stoner.
5. Sue Sylvester (GLEE)
She’s the complete opposite of what the show stands for, and she hates everybody. This may be because of a traumatic upbringing or it could just be that “those sweatpants are all that fit her right now”, but everyone knows you don’t want this bitch as an enemy – let alone to be squashed in her armpit during rush hour. And with the amount of testosterone bouncing around in her body, I doubt she’s lactating with anything…
6. Grumpy (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
To be fair, Grumpy did well picking negativity as his niche, because how else were you gonna stand out against six other dwarfs that behaved like they were permanently high on acid? Half a dozen midgets fighting for the affections of a perverted princess; he needed to do something to make an impression. And besides, with six uppers, you need to take at least one downer. And seen as I’d already been banned from Cineworld for popping pills, Grumpy was the next best thing to a Valium. His mood could also be blamed on his secret alcoholism; surely he didn’t think those gin blossoms and that red nose were fooling anybody.
7. Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Even though we can often feel like this when being introduced to our friend’s “hilarious” work friend while getting drunk in G-A-Y, Larry is more similar to a lot of the moody old gentlemen on the gay scene; in that he lacks social awareness and sensitivity. He basically just a grouchy old man with a chip on his shoulder, despite being reasonably successful in life. Crack a smile mate, might never ‘appen.
8. Mr. Heckles (Friends)
At some point or another, everyone encounters a neighbour like this. First the music’s too loud, then your getting changed too close to the windows and next thing you know it he’s calling the police just for slapping your maid across the face with the South London Press. Thank God he wasn’t home when that crack bitch got stabbed on the lawn. Some people!
9. Garfield
Garfield the cat is the Kerry Katona of comic characters; yo-yo dieting, laziness and a hate for Mondays. Even if you’ve just had to leave a sex party with the England Rugby team, just as the dealer was about to arrive and give everyone free cocaine, to go and work 8 hours in your shitty cubicle with people you hate – Garfield, still hates Mondays more. Jim Davis clearly based this character on some Bridget Jones-a-like he got the cold shoulder from. Still the franchise is worth over $1 billion today – who says pessimism doesn’t get you anywhere?
10. Nick Miller (New Girl)
I wouldn’t necessarily describe Nick as emotionless, I mean, sarcasm is an emotion right? The tight-fisted bar tender reminds me is who Miranda Hobbs would be if she were a man. And a burnout. But we can see why he’s not the happiest bloke in the world; he’s broken-spirited, broken-hearted and flat out – broke. Plus if he tried to lie to his mum about being on it all weekend he’d perspiring more than you on the Central Line with the hangover sweats.
11. Nan (Catherine Tate)
We all joke about loving to have a nan like this. But the one’s who do have homophobic, venom-spitting Tourette’s sufferers for grans know that it’s not all “cunts” and cups of tea. My nan is none of the above – per se – but she does think that gay people come from eating too many ready meals and did once punch a woman in the face in Sainsbury’s because she cut her up in the queue. I know, fierce right?
12. Victor Meldrew
The main character of One Foot in the Grave, he was the cocky codger that everyone wished had both feet in the grave. He reminds me of the crank from Scooby Doo that shouts “I’ll get you kids if it’s the last thing I do.” And man does he like to moan! I ain’t heard an old man bitch like this since Kris Jenner had Bruce’s mouth wired shut.
13. Miss Trunchbull
Earlier this year, Miss Trunchable topped our ‘Biggest Bitches of the Silver Screen‘ list – and here she is again, the vile old hoof. You thought you’re over-baring and clearly obviously jealous snob of a boss was hard to take before your morning coffee? Imagine being forced to eat a whole chocolate cake in front of co-workers… Well, if you were Rob Kardashian we’d imagine the only thing unpleasant about that would be having a job.
14. Iago (Aladdin)
The ratchet screech in his voice reminds me of the sqwarking noise the bargain-hunting queens make when Beyoncé holds a gig at the O2. He’s more frustrated than Catherine Zeta Jones when Michael Douglas’ Viagra wears off. But don’t get it twisted that this homo parrot wouldn’t stab you in the back for three pieces of silver.
15. The Grinch
Seen in this picture, giving that little girl the coldest courtesy pie; the one minute finger (Eva Longoria is also fond of this manoeuvre), the Grinch is miserable every morning as it is just one step closer to Christmas. Although he wouldn’t be the first man to get all bent out of shape just because a woman rejected him, *cough* Justin Beiber *cough*.
Other posts you might like:
>> 25 Ways You Know You’re Vauxhall Trash
>> 10 Biggest Bitches of the Silver Screen
>> The Definition of (Fame) Karma