Everybody’s had those moments in bed when you just wish it was over. Why had you got so drunk and come home with this sub-par lover? Why had you opened your Grindr and wound up in bed with this freak? Here’s the top (and bottom) 10 men and those awkward sexual moments you need to AVOID:

Everybody knows that sex with a stranger can be hot. You just have to be sure to keep it that way… the stranger part, that is. For instance, somebody asking you how old you are while they’re inside you, isn’t exactly ethical. No more so than you asking them what they do for a living while you have their face shoved in a pillow. Sex with a stranger can also border on awkward when you find out their boss is your friends dad. Imagine his boss asking what he did over the weekend, and he just replies “that boy you have over for dinner.” Keep it simple, and keep that shit anonymous.

The downside to having sex with someone on a first date, or indeed, skipping the entire dating process is knowing whether you’re compatible. By this, I’m not referring to two bottoms scissoring like lesbians, or two tops fencing like swordsmen. I’m simply talking about one person’s idea of a wet dream can be the others idea of dry nightmare, ‘dry’ being the operative word. For example, when a man lays on top of you, his knees knocking like Tom Thumb in a haunted house, and dry humping your leg like Lassie on heat… He got’s to go. If I wanted fraction burn on my thighs, I’d gain 40lbs and run the marathon.

Also known in Jamaican as ‘the LEZZEH LEZZEH MUN’. Dubbed ‘the reliant’ because bitch thinks he can rely on his face/body. No, no *shakes finger. Don’t be fooled by this guy, especially if he bares a passing resemblance to a famous face. Whether he’s a less buff version of Ben Cohen (who hasn’t been there) or a fitter version of Prince Harry – that doesn’t mean his Crown Jewels will be all you’ve dreamt.

“What you gon’ do with that pencil dick?!”
But when it comes down to it, it’s not about whether he’s packing girth or not. If he’s a lazy lover, toss that dog out by his back hair.

Men that think they can rely on their bodies/faces to get them by in bed need to go back to sket-school, ’cause that’s a big fat F right there. It’s major awkward, mostly because you’re pulling a face that says “if I wanted to fuck a corpse, I’d be cemetary cruising…”

How some men continue to think their behaviour is in fact, natural, is a wonder. What’s the sexual equivalent of someone having two left feet?

I’m not 100% sure, but when you come away with injuries because they can’t reign their buck tooth in or because their butt is so bony you end up with a bruised pelvis, it’s a wonder some of these have ever had boyfriends. Yo’ supposed to learn to work with what yo’ momma gave ya – and that includes hideous deformities.

It’s not a bad thing to be good in bed. But there is a thing as showing “too much” experience, or indeed, enjoyment. Also known as the ‘slurpy slut’ this guy gets WAY too into blowjobs. She sounds like old yeller eating spaghetti for a start, and when she starts twisting her head round in every direction like your dick is the last solero on earth; it’s time to muzzle that mongrel.

Similarly this is the guy out of all the ‘awkwards’ that’s most likely to be loose. Girl, they are called pelvic floor thrusts – teach yo’ self. So when it slips in a little too easily, forget the pounding and just take the bitch to the pound.