Do a Gaga, and set fire… To your boring-ass dating life

Why would we go and watch fireworks when we could go an’ cause some?
And trust me, igniting a fire inside yourself is much more fun than igniting a scarecrow on a bonfire.

Step 1: Start a New Resolution

While kicking a narcotic habit is all well and good on the surface, getting licked up on alcohol, not only may be worse for your health, (definitely more carbs in a bottle of wine than there is in a wrap of coke), it can also make you just as unattractive. Last week I discussed how turning myself in to a human Big Mac at a Charing Cross bus stop had left me totally mortified, add to that people telling you “you were so drunk…” and it’s time to change things up again. My new resolution was to cut down on pre-drinks, limit shots and drink slower. Sounds dead boring, but when you’re sober enough to actually talk to men, it does wonders for your confidence. After a little flirtatious smizing with a Soho fittie, I was all up pon him getting the number. By the time I got close enoug, to realise that he was actually HFAUUP (Hot From Afar, Ugly Up Close), it was too late. And it wasn’t about finding the new Mr. Gilét, it was about finding the old one!
And after she continued to whinge about going out on the London scene, “I hate it, I think it’s overrated” – Erm, go home then, you boring bitch? there was no way we were compatible. Cut to our wedding day, I’m drinking G&T’s, and he’s drinking tea? No, no, hunty.
So I got his number and said I would text, obviously I didn’t. But being able to see (sort of) what men are in the room, let’s you see which ones are potential prospects. Not that every bar is a cruising ground, by all means.

Step 2: Work Out Plan

Not only does exercising boost your confidence because you look better but the pheromones or endorphins or some other scientific jargon, that it releases make you feel better too – it’s a no brainer. So not only will you look better in your new garms (Step 4), but when a guy takes them off – you know you’ll have nothing to worry about. Thus, not worrying about your dimpling thighs and flabby moobs and increasing your potential of hooking up!

Step 3: Bump in to an Old Flame

Bumping in to somebody you used to “get it on” with, may sound like a car crash waiting to happen, but it can in fact do wonders for your self esteem. Especially if you’ve followed the other steps in this post. You’re less of an alcoholic than when he last met you, you’ve been working out (even if it hasn’t started to show yet), and you’ve got your new statement wear on. Nothing gives you an ego boost than people telling you how ‘well’ you’re looking recently, which, in turn pushes you to work that much harder.
And, if, in my case – they’re looking good too, it’s always wise to exchange saliva as well as compliments. For the purposes of your Homojo, of course, *wink.

Step 4: Find a wardrobe statement


Recession, budgets, finical crisis, blah, blah, blah. If I don’t splurge a little, I go fucking crazy. Especially with SAD creeping in every so quickly, spend some money on yourself, even if you can only afford one MEGA statement piece – you’ll feel like a mega fucking statement when wearing it. I chose to indulge in the number 1 in Foot Porn: Jeremy Scott. These multi-coloured hi tops are not only unusual but they are undeniably eye catching. They literally DEMAND attention from anybody within an 8 – 10ft radius. The amount of times I see people clocking the footwear is unreal. In turn, they then look at the fashionista wearing them.
So even on days when I’m not hot enough to grab a guys attention with my fierce eyebrows, 90% of the time, I’m getting it anyway.

Step 5: For Fuck Sake, Smile

Nobody wants to chat to somebody that looks like they’re having menstrual cramps. So stop taking yourself so seriously. Pouts can be hot, but smiles are so much hotter. I, personally, am not that fond of my smile – but do you know how much more attention you get when you look happy? 135% more – it’s scientifically proven! And by scientifically proven, I mean, it’s a statistic I just made up – but it’s definitely true. Unless, you have been abusing the crystal meph pipe, in which case – pouting is fine… stick to pouting.
In turn, smiling more, should help you take a much more relaxed approach to dating. Are you bored of asking, What does this text mean? Why has he liked my status but not replied to my message? Who has he just checked in with? Yeah I thought so! That’s because it is boring. Dating isn’t fun when you’re constantly torturing yourself. Relax… Be happy with your new reignited mojo/homojo, it’s not life or death. Yet.