I sometimes wonder if the magnitude of how terrible the Walk of Shame is, is directly correlated to how bad you were the night before. Given the circumstances, this one should’ve been hellish. And it was. Total, utter hell.
I waited a LIFETIME to get on the train the following evening (the chill out/party lasted a day and a half) behind some OAP… How is it people born before the invention of the wheel are even aloud to travel? This isn’t a horse and cart, you don’t take your time, you jump on! So finally sitting down on the train, a woman who has obviously been for drinks with the office slurrs down her phone and stumbles onto three other passengers before sitting opposite me. Great. A middle aged wino who’s just started to dribble – I didn’t know Ali Lohan got on this train?!
Then there’s Burger Queen to my left, taking up FOUR seats! One for his Fila bag (shame), one for his crusty trainers, one for his fast track to obesity (his junk food) and one for his soon-to-be lard arse. Then he’s smiling at his phone like Dopey dwarf as if it’s the first time he’s seen a girl’s clevage. Obviously, no sleep, my patience is low and if I hadn’t been so strung out I totes would’ve bitch-slapped the down syndrome smirk off his face. So in-between the drunkard and the window licker, I’m starting to suffer…
On trots Bobble head. Bitch looks like she’s from Fraggle Rock, and she’s staring at me like I’m out of place?! So she’s yapping away at megaphone volume (Dom Jolly is like SO six years ago), her tree like neck bobbling away like the Churchill Dog on speed (“Ohhhh yessh!”)
“Yeah, yeah, the cat’s fine…” Bobble. Bobble. MIGHT have known you had a cat!! “…still humping away” Bobble. Bobble. – Listen virgin, you better get used to it cos in five years time you’re gonna have ten of them. Time to get lost in my music (don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner).
Cut to me neck winding along to 80’s classic Jermaine Stuart when this long phallic finger starts probing my shoulder, it was ET – “phone home?” Not really, but shit, she looked like ET though.
“Would you mind turning your music down? It’s really loud” – Cut to me flabbergasted! Oh, so wasted Wendy and crazy cat virgin you’re ok with? Let alone geeky boy boner over there… But you wanna pick on the boy that nearly threw himself under the train instead of onto it because he’s on the worlds worst comedown? Bitch, you may near be on life support and only held vertical by a wooden cane, but you dear, are a bully!
After what felt like a four day journey to get home, in a suit and mickey mouse t-shirt (i.e. A Hello Kitty bag short of privileged parking or someone TRYING to be bougie and epically failing), too ashamed to even look in the mirror at what was probably a leathery drawn face, I slept until the next night out…