There’s always that dreaded moment in a celebrities career that they’re gonna get caught doing something they shouldn’t. In Linday’s case it was fleeing a photoshoot with thousands of dollars worth of diamonds shoved down her bra. For Tulisa is was being dick-slapped while looking like a deer in the headlights. And for Kirk Norcross it’s getting his wang out on Skype to some sket. But one man’s embarrassment is the entire gay population’s wank material. Not that he has anything to be embarrassed about, if anything those tacky promo shots he did with Jodie Marsh were much more cringe-worthy.

I love Kirk. I met him in the toilets once, and was cracking jokes with him while he was at the urinal (yes, it took everything in my will power not to go and have a look – but I’m a gentleman like that – and am now being rewarded for it). He can come across as a bit of a prick on TV, but he seemed dead genuine to me.

Anyway, enough gossip…

He never was a afraid to show a little flesh…

In that sauna scene…

The world’s tackiest promo still EVER.

We don’t care that you got cock-handed Kirk. Actually it makes us like you even more!

1. When you see he’s got a little fat… #Winning

2. When you see what he started dating after you…

3. When your friends ask what he’s like in bed…

4. What not to say, when people ask about your relationship…

5. After you’re done speaking to him…

6. When you see him out in that Primark jumper…

7. When you both turn up to the same birthday party…

8. Giving him the courtesy hand-shake…

NEXT PAGE, LADIES… >>>

The new treatment aims to strip ones DNA of the HIV virus

There is potentially a breakthrough treatment that could essentially cure HIV, and it reported that scientists in Denmark are just months away from uncovering this. According to http://www.hivplusmag.com and the Telegraph newspaper, the researchers are currently conducting clinical trials of a “novel strategy” that:

“…strips the HIV virus from human DNA, allowing the immune system to permanently destroy the virus from “reservoirs” it forms within DNA, bringing the virus to the surface of the cell. Researchers contend that once the virus has been brought to the cell’s surface, the boy’s immune system – boosted by a vaccine – can kill HIV.”

There have been a few leads as a way to fight the epidemic once and for all, but they have all fallen flat, let’s hope that they’re finally on to a winner. Dr. Ole Søgaard a researcher on the project says that releasing the reservoirs of HIV is “almost certain” to be successful. But that the challenge will come later in getting the body to recognise the virus. There is currently 15 patients undergoing the treatment, which if it is success is said to be sold internationally at a reasonably low price.

Could this be the start of a solution that the gay community has be looking for?

Read the alternative article here

Going Up: AlunaGeorge
“Everything you exhale is attracting flies…” – What a classy way of saying, “listen bruv, you’re chatting shit yeah”. Loved her on the Disclosure track, but currently love this even more. I sing it in the shower and pretend I’m on the X Factor and the camera cuts to audience members whispering because I’m totally major.

She was the ultimate bitchy receptionist, but at least Amanda was funny

Going Down: Receptionists with diva-tude
Listen sister, I don’t care what problems you’ve got (aside from your attitude) there’s no need to take them out on other people. So kiss ya rassclart teeth again and watch me ram the telephone receiver down your throat. And FYI there’s nothing wrong with my penmanship, they just didn’t teach you how to join up your letters at St. Propecia of Peckham Grammar School.

Totally…

Going Up: The Mindy Project
This program actually has me speechless at times. While its not always laugh-out-loud funny, it’s just a feel good TV show that can be watched with ease at any time of the day, any day of the week. Mindy Lahara (the writer) is CRAZY talented and her bubbly personality (the character) is totally infectious. She’s like a cross between Carrie Bradshaw and Betty Swarez, although less annoying than both of them. Not annoying at all in fact. I whizzed through the whole first series (21 episodes) in two days – and with the tension building in the series finale it’s much more than just a throwaway US sitcom. New favourite.

Going Down: Disappearing Acts
And no I’m not talking about magic tricks. When a cute guy you met at a party a few weeks back just suddenly deletes his profile (or possibly blocked you), it can leave you kinda jaded. Especially after you were planning a weekend in a hot country with him. With loads of cocktails and very little clothing. Come to think of it, maybe that picture you uploaded of you salontro’ing across a sunbed was less Christina Aguilera Your Body and more Amy Childs orange body.

Trashy gold-diggers are back!

Going Up: Gay Literature
Having to read ten thousand books for your dissertation is just one of the downsides to doing a degree. But on the plus side it does broaden your scope of things you might not have read before. I was never a fan of the clichéd “coming out” story, but some of the novels I’ve stumbled across are hilarious. I’m currently reading the tale of a promiscuous gold-digger that’s rebuilding his life after his minted lover dies. (S)he’s vapid, shameless and fabulous. Kind of like a gay Tanya Turner.

Going Down: Office Overshares
There’s always one person in the office that shares a little bit too much information. And honestly, it’s usually me. But if you thought telling everyone how you were fondled at Torture Gardens while dressed as a woman was too much information, try having your bosses boss tell you how he’s going to spend a week with a Thai prostitute. No, just no. So many levels of wrong its like the verbal version of a latex all in one paired with a top-knot and kitten heels.

Going Up: *HairFlip*

THROWBACK! Chris Crocker provided some major comedy circa 2010 but it wasn’t the “leave Britney alone!” YouTube video that got our attention. Hairflips are totally back. When that boy you slept with two weeks ago asks how he knows you, *hairflip*. When the two queens at the next table are rolling their eyes because your friends are performing blowjobs on beer bottles in the middle of G-A-Y, *hairflip*. When you wake up with the taste of dirty kebab and mouldy cigarettes coating your tongue, *hairflip*. The *hairflip* is the ultimate way of saying “I’m over it”, without actually saying it; because there’s simply no need. The flick of an invisible weave (because let’s face it we’re not gonna take out a few ratchet hair strands in the middle of a bar and start Willow Smith whipping them) says it all.

*That’s how you do it bitch

Going Down: Blasts from the past
…And not the good ones. I tend to refer to a bad blast from the past as a hit-and-run. Because you’re emotionally knocked down before there’s anything you can do about it. Bumping into someone you had an embarrassing/awkward sexual encounter with years ago when you were a stupid teenager is karmas way of keeping you on your toes. Do you wither up into the foetal position, clutching your winded stomach while pouring vodka down your windpipe through a funnel? Or do you take the high-road. I’ll tell you what to do, you do a mother-fucking *hairflip* (see above) and you take the fucking high road. You approach them, ask them how they are, what they’ve been up to. And when they tell you how their life is still as sad as it was five years ago, that sexual experience is nothing to squirm about. You hold your head high past his vile mate with her HD eyebrows, and you strut like Beyonce’s Crazy In Love.

This article is a hard-hitting look at prostitution and all of its downfalls. Just kidding. It’s totally not. It’s not even a tale about actual prostitution. But as you may (or may not) remember, I’ve had a few brushes with “prostitution” - if you can call it that. There was the time I kissed that grosky old man’s hand at Battersea train station for £10 (read here). Then there was that time I slept with that guy and was so mortified by how loud we were in the bedroom that I had to leave as quickly as possible, so accepted £20 for a taxi. And by “accepted”, I mean stole out of his bedside drawer while he was still asleep, not I’m not really sure that counts (read here). And then, most recently on a trip to Dublin I kissed a guy with no teeth for half a pill (read here). These were all extremely proud moments in my life as I’m sure you can imagine.

In my defence I don’t go looking for these situations, they’re like a boner on the 356 bus – you have very little warning and when it happens you just gotta roll with it. Well last night was a “I’m definitely getting the last train home” night, that turned into a ‘spending £22 in a Shoreditch chip shop at 3am’ night, (no, I wasn’t alone – that would have been monstrous). So we’re on bar number four or five, and drink number twenty-something and the time for my last train is looming. So naturally I backed my drink, grabbed my bag and am leaving for the station. So as you can see, I totally had good intentions. Then a cute guy told me I was beautiful and that he’d pay for my taxi home if I stayed a little bit longer. Yes, that’s all it took. I’d already checked my bag back into the cloakroom before he’d finished his sentence. It was an unstoppable attraction, like Sarah Michelle Gellar and every film script she’s given; saying no is just not an option.

So I did the whole “Nah, I can’t take money off you for a taxi” bit while slowly stroking his upper arm and performing felatio on my straw. Then he did the whole, “It’s fine, I want to stay a bit longer and enjoy the night” while looking me up and down like I was a rotisserie chicken and he was Rosie O’Donnell. Then I did the “I honestly couldn’t”, while walking with him to the ATM to withdraw the cash. But in all honesty, if you’re a good-looking guy thats gonna make sure I get home safe, quick and at whatever time I want – that’s smoother than a French pornstar’s bikini line. So I accepted his generous offer while he molested me in the queue for Barclays. Okay, molested is a strong word. And I don’t think it can be used on someone that was drunkenly let it happen, so maybe dry-groped is more appropriate. But I totally would’ve let him feel me up whether he’d offered to pay for my ride or not.

So we’re walking back to the bar and we have a snog, but I’m so not down with public displays of embarrassment – not unless they involve throwing a drink in someones face, Eastenders style. So, seen as the evening had been spent so classily already, we moved things to an alley. Again, this sounds much worse than it was. It was really more of a side-street than an alley. He totally wanted more, but I told him straight up, “I don’t give blow jobs on street corners, do I look like Janice Dickinson?” so we went back to bar, had a couple more drinks and then we were all gonna get a cab to East (for even more drinks).

Stumbling up Frith Street he has to take a telephone call, and when he’s done, he reports that somebody in his family has died. Oh my God. I was speechless for him. Its so horrible getting personal news when you’re out in public. Although he seemed to be taking it quite well. For like 30 seconds. Then when the news (and tears) hit him on Old Compton Street, we decided that it would be best to leave him with his friend to grieve. I didn’t want to bother him with goodbyes and thanking him for taxi money while he was so upset, so we just hailed a cab and left.

The money for a taxi got spent in some desperate kebab shop and I ended up with my head in the toilet. They say you shouldn’t take candy from strangers, well perhaps you shouldn’t sell them your candy for a score. The moral of the story is: Money can buy you doner meat, cab rides and kisses off younger twinks but when the shit hits the fan you’ll probably still have to hold his hair back as he vomits.

It’s a fine day when a) London sees its first real spell of sunshine (and gays begin galavanting around the City in little denim shorts clutching to Frappucinos like it’s their grip on reality) and, more importantly b) Thom Evans throws caution – and his clothes – to the wind for a new underwear campaign. I haven’t heard of D. Hedral no more than Lindsay Lohan has heard of sobriety, but that by no means that we should no applaud them for getting this Adonis to take off his clothes. *nods head and claps*

I’m not gonna waste time in the post telling you how the guy is. See for yourself…

Yowzer…

This month Duncan James sheds his clothes and graces the cover of Gay Times magazine. The star of recently re-united boy band Blue has undoubtedly become more popular since coming out as bisexual (because the gays on the scene now think that they’re in with half a chance). Puh-lease! Half the guys I know that said they would chat him up couldn’t even get a good-looking bus boy, let alone a hot guy that’s in a band. So maybe they should just pop down to Tesco and grab a copy of GTs latest and bash one off over the cover, as this is probably the closest they’ll get to getting in his pants. Some nice shots of Mr. James, even if the artistic concept is a little dull; not expecting Annie Leibovitz – but a red backdrop in all shots is very period (and I’m not talking about the era).

He’s undoubtedly handsome and we’re loving the tat work too…

Our personal fave…

And F.Y.I. we can’t wait for Blue to comeback.

Twitter: @Cocktalkblog / @Anthony_Gilet

We hope to see them in the same picture again

There has been speculation about a friends reunion for some time now (none of them can seem to make their own TV series work) and when a poster was released last week stating “the one with the reunion” and beneath their infamous brown sofa reading “Thanksgiving 2014″ the world’s tongues were wagging.

This week Star Media have confirmed that not only are they returning for an one-off, but for an entire series. I really hope they all return for their roles as it just wouldn’t be the same without one of them.

Now we’ve just gotta get the rumour mill started about Will & Grace.

Sound-Off below…

Twitter: @Cocktalkblog

I need it more than you bitch!

The Calvin Harris/Ellie Goulding track has been around for some time now and finally a video has surfaced. And not one that I expected! I was picturing a quick succession of cuts of C.H. playing to Ibiza crowds or Ellie G in a field with a nightie on. Don’t get it wrong, Calvin definitely dropped in his usual bikini-clad-girls-on-boats-style while I’m sure the tattoo parlour was all Ellie, but what they’ve constructed in this ‘selfie’-style vid, is the documentation of a couple in love and on holiday. When did Calvin Harris get so damn hot? Literally dripping like a faulty fridge freezer. I’m definitely jealous that he’s jumping all over that indie bumpkin.Who reckons they’re shagging?

More importantly, what do you think of the vid?

Going Up: Lycra
Yes. Lycra is going up – on the runways, in the shops and definitely in the bedroom. Not in a Nicki Minaj all-in-one catsuit kinda way, but in a cock-and-arse-half-hanging-out wrestler way. And they are totally flattering to the male form. Maybe we’ll get one for Lovebox.

Going Down: Spit
Seriously, who uses spit instead of lube? This ain’t the 70s and we ain’t in Brokeback Mountain. Sex without lube causes anal fissures and friction burn. And aside from the fact that adult nappy rash is not the way forward (just the way to the GP) – they hurt like fuck. There’s only one white powder we after – and it ain’t Johnson’s.

Going up: Daytime drinking
So, the sun comes out an everybody becomes a goddamn wino. Well let me tell you something part-time lushes, some of us do this all year-round and we don’t feel the need to brag. Your half-arsed attempt at alcoholism is weak, to us that aren’t bound by the judgements that restrict drinking pre-midday anyway. Sun or no sun.

Going Down: Friends on Holiday
We are in April and still getting pissed on (unfortunately not literally) and they’re posting photos of beaches in Japan and breaks in Barcelona. So uncouth. So blocked from the News Feed.

Going Up: Cosmetic surgery
Because nothing makes you feel better about yourself than half a vile of collagen. This may sound extreme but its the perfect achievement to treat yourself with a blowie.

Going Down: Stress
Being one of those people that’s constantly busy gives a lot of us a buzz. And while getting high off the energy of life is healthier than sniffing solvents and plant food – it’s still pretty bad for us. So if you have two jobs, a degree, a blog, your body, your health, your future and a hectic social schedule – make sure you squeeze in that massage. And not the ones with a happy ending.

Going Up: Rap Music
With the likes of Atumpan, Kendrick Lamar and Frank Ocean popping up on the rap scene we’re loving the new school vibe, where not every video has a half-naked big-momma twerking her cellulite on a yacht. Less aggressive rhymes are setting new trends to boot.

Going Down: How I Met Your Mother
Seriously? I mean is this show seriously still on TV? It’s been on for like 15 years. And those children sitting on the sofa listening to this shit haven’t changed outfits once? At first it was intriguing but now it’s drawn out longer than a Mark Wright/Lauren Goodger relationship. Although not quite as badly acted. Close. But not quite. Ted and Robyn are certainly no Ross and Rachel either, but we all know they’ll end up together.