We love a house party. They’re cheap, messy and a great way to hook up with boys. So when JAM invited us down for the launch of their new bluetooth speakers, obvs we were available for that. And it was just like the house parties we used to go as a teenager – if we grew up in Beverly Hills, maybe. Set in the trendy “apartment” of the Hoxton Holborn, we were totes starting to wonder why we didn’t hang out with the rich kids at school.
I mean, there was real vodka — not Kirov, or some other brand we didn’t know. And even two handsome bar tenders to pour it into our red cups. I’ll have a double vodka, and the brown-eyed hunk who’s serving it, thanks. “Help yourself” bottles of Tequila and Jager on the side, which we did; hence why we were falling arse over tit on the Twister mat.
What we ate: Fries coated in truffles, spiced chicken, meat & cheese platters. Usually the only thing getting eaten at a house party, is the atmosphere by the moody flatmate.
I mean, between the fine dining, and classy mid-week alcoholism; we were only a pearl necklace short being Bree Van de Camp. (And Lord knows we’d never say no to a pearl necklace). Then we piped up, challenged everyone to a game of Beer Pong, before remembering that white gay boys can’t throw. Still though, the intensity was real! In fact, things hadn’t got this competitive since we saw Danny Dyer in a club and had to pull bitches weaves out just to get a second alone with him. (True story).
“You’re only supposed to fill the cups up half way” we were informed, after pouring that shit up ’til it over-spilled. Erm, yeah maybe if you’re a light-weight, babe. And it’s not every day you get an unattended beer keg, ladies, am I right?
Credit: Jon Devo
They literally had us playing more games than our ex-boyfriend. Not to mention, a PHOTO BOOTH. Which is obviously a must-have for any party. Leaving us with these extremely sober looking mementos…
Yes, I am wearing a silver tinsel wig like Cher 1979, and making it rain like Rihanna 2015.
We were told Dave Berry would be DJing, but either we got there a little late, or the JAM speakers were that good, they’d sacked him off. The music policy was floor fillers picked by guests, sent out via an iPad. Which was a welcome change to the same house podcast you’d get at every after-party in South London. (And there certainly wasn’t any used condoms stuck to a pleather sofa).
Future party hosts, take note… Decent food, boozy games and handsome staff are all must-haves. But above all, if you’re playing the tunes from a iPhone in a pint glass – you’re seriously slacking!
[Photo Credits: Jon Devo]