They say that a spring clean is good for your soul. And it’s true. Of course it’s always good to have a declutter, but when purging my room of all the crap that had been accumulated over the years (the stuff you keep “just in case”), I came across something that made me smile from the inside out.
Seen as my room was being decorated, it was the perfect time to really start afresh. Not just one of those cleans where you throw out two pairs of ugly shoes, and wipe the three month dust off the chest of the drawers. Oh no, one of the ones that results in FOUR bin sacks, consisting of: naff stories from my creative writing course, receipts for things I never returned, discoloured River Island jewellery, pointed shoes (x3), and array of cheap tranny clothes from 2012 when we used to get high and think we were fierce.
And, a lot of notepads. With a lot of random shit in them. One exercise book that documented the rules (and more importantly, restrictions) of my eating disorder. I know I’ve spoken about this openly before, and don’t wanna be one of those annoying parrots that bangs on about some moody childhood trauma. But I couldn’t help but tear up reading this:
Partly because I felt amused at my daily intake for Tuesday… Rosé? Meh – Once a lush, always a lush. And my feeble excuse for exercise was “walking and sex”. Although, at least I was getting laid, which is more than I can say for now. And moreover, who was taking that boney bag of mess to bed? Eek…
But partly because I also felt so sorry for the person who wrote this; a 19 year-old me; a person I don’t even recognise. But moreover, I felt grateful. Grateful to have overcome such a dark and negative cycle; of making a full recovery through something that made me so miserable (as anyone with depression, anxiety, or countless other mental disorders can probably identify with). It reminded me that although we have dark times in life, things can always turn around entirely. Hopefully a message that will resonate with anyone who feels like they’re helpless.
In the picture above, on the left I weighed just under 9 stone. I couldn’t even tell you how much I weigh in the right one ’cause I haven’t weighed myself in about five years. But when you’re so consumed by something like that, you can’t imagine the light at the end of the tunnel. But it’s there – and you’ll find it. Whatever your facing, stay strong and don’t give up.