Fagony Aunt: “I’m Desperate for this Guy, but I Don’t Want to Mess it Up!”


I’ve recently come out as a gay man after being in denial for a long time. I’m only 30 but I was holding myself back for so long. Now I’ve decided to be more confident about who I am. I’ve started dating guys and I have fallen for someone and I’m loving it! We’re only a week into dating and it’s given me such an amazing feeling that I’m desperate for it to carry on.

My concern is, does he feel the same? I don’t want to be too pushy or needy, but I’m just really excited about how things are going. What do I need to do to keep him happy or interested? I don’t want it to go cold or for him to be put off.

Dear Debs,

I feel bad in having to point this out, but “only” 30 years old, ain’t no spring chicken. Not for a gay man, dear. You’ve only got a few years left before the queens shove you into clichés like ‘bear’ and ‘daddy’. So in that sense, you are right to get a move on… But you better slam those breaks on sweetie, ’cause you are a car crash waiting to happen. And I don’t mean the little dents like when you drive high, I’m talking a big fat fucking fatality. And you’re gonna be the one who flies through the windscreen and ends up mangled.

I’m glad that you’re feeling confident in who you are, own it – but you can’t go talking about “falling” for someone so soon! The only “falling” you gone and done, is bumped your head! I mean, a WEEK? I’ve been at after-parties that have gone on longer. That’s SEVEN DAYS. And I know that’s not unheard of, but I’m guessing you ain’t no Craig David, love? How much can you really know about someone in a week? What if you go tumbling head over heels for this stranger, and then find out he’s a con-artist? Or a vegan?! They are just as bad, after all.

I get that you’re buzzing ’cause you don’t have to hide your Cher posters anymore – trust me – I feel the same way when I mix uppers and downers, but if you don’t bitch-slap some sense into yourself, you’ll be single again quicker than you can say “back on Grindr”. In fact, unless he’s deleted his apps, you’re still single now. Take heed of the old saying: more hash less speed! Although I have to be honest, unless he’s as equally unhinged, ain’t no advice column gonna stop you from messing this up. I’m already awaiting the ‘murder-suicide’ headline on the Pink News.

So when he gets a restraining order if it doesn’t work, just remember that being single again isn’t the worst thing… You’ve barely been out the closet and already you wanna settle down? Flirt around! Play the field! Get fisted!

Why don’t you try wearing a ring on your cock instead of your heart on your sleeve? At least for a few months until you grow into your new found tank top.

If you’re really eager to see where this leads, chill the fuck out Winona. You wanna keep him interested, you need to keep him guessing… add a little mystery. Ignore his texts once in while, cancel your next date, sleep with his dad. You know, be aloof! He’ll be banging your door down (or back door in).

Caio! xoxo


Author: AnthonyGilet

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