Friend-zoning: It’s like Jenna Jameson’s pussy; everybody’s been there, and it ain’t pretty. It’s that awkward situation where one person wants to ride the other like a roller coaster at Alton Towers, while the other just isn’t that into it. Most of us have been on the receiving end, as well as the one who has to give the double Whatsapp tick and ignore. When you’re both nice people, nobody wants to be the bitch that has to tell the other one that they just don’t fancy them. But if they have good banter (or hot friends), sometimes you don’t wanna cut ties altogether, much less their heart from their chest. So here we’re going to tackle the task of politely asking someone to back the fuck up into the Friend Zone…
Treat them like a brother:
One of the easiest and most subtle ways to drop a hint to someone that you don’t wanna bump uglies, is dropping in some generalised terminology that you use when texting your brother, straight friends or drug dealer; ‘mate’, ‘dude’ and ‘man’ will all suffice. If they persist in showing their unrequited affection for you, while yours remains as cold as last night’s pizza, you may need to step up your game. This involves letting him see parts of the real you; behind that facade you use to attract husband material. Example; when you go out for something to eat, feel free to chomp that burger and extra fried onions with your mouth wide open, and don’t be afraid to let some of it tumble down your shirt, while swearing excessively and treating him to the anal acoustics of your violent flatulence.
Treat them like your sister
We won’t go as far as asking him to braid your hair or hold your bloody tampon, but by amping up your crudeness to level 10, similarly amping up your campness can work just as well. Use terms of endearment you’d give to your gay pals or hags such as ‘babe’ or ‘love’ and watch his face drop like aunt Moira’s tits when she lies on her back.
If you opt for this approach first, add camp emoji’s for extra effect; *files nails*, *hair flip* and *princess* will always seal the deal in telling him, he’s a sister, not your mister. Ask him for his opinion on your new crop top, while you cake on make-up like you need it to survive, and belt out Disney’s A Whole New World in a high falsetto, throwing in a shoulder shimmy when necessary. Extreme cases may cause for you downing two bottles of Savignon Blanc at the bar, before pouring out your heart out about your insecurities and then ditching him for a tosser in a suit, while yelling “BYE, GIRL” as you clamber into a black cab.
Talk about other boys:
Yes, it’s like being slapped in the face with an stagnant-smelling piece of trout, but it’s politer than saying; “the thought of your naked body makes my penis want to recoil into my pelvis like a tortoise”. So throw in the occasional mention of a boy you’ve been chatting to (pull up his smoking hot Instagram account if you have to), ask what’s going on in his love life as if your Carrie and Miranda gossiping over Cosmopolitans, or even tell a plethora of stories about your ex; it’s about as horny as a brain hemorrhage.
Use the word “Friend”:
It sounds pretty simple, but until you label your relationship, there will always be that air of mystery as to what you two actually are. Sample: “It’s so good to have friends you can hang out with as friends, and it can just be friends hanging with no ulterior motive. You’ll have to meet my other friends soon and we’ll all hang out as friends. Friends.”
Don’t go on dates with him
It doesn’t matter if you’re a broke-ass bitch and he has a Gormet Burger Kitchen loyalty card, it’s probably not a good idea to go for meals one-on-one (after you decide that he turns you on as much as a gangly vagina). You’re only encouraging him to discretely pocket pieces of your half eaten food and construct a shrine with toe nail clipping from the foot of your bathtub. Next thing you know, you’re coming home from the office to him standing in your front room with a life-size sculpture he made from locks of your hair he cut off while you were sleeping.
Tell him that story
The final nail in the coffin of hope: You know the one we mean. That story that even you cringe over. The one that any normal person would judge you over, but your best friend loves you for; while using it against you when the two of you are stoned and alone. That ratchet-ass shit that you never do, but actually did that one time. Funnily enough, he’ll see you in a different light after hearing how you went under at the alter of your sister’s wedding, or did the nasty with a ropey pensioner that had a fetish for worn Adidas socks because he was the only person online when you were horny as fuck.
The long and short of it, is don’t lead the puppy on, treat him like a friend and he’ll surely get the message (unless he’s socially retarded).