How fucked up did you get last weekend? Whatever you did Erma is laughing in the face of your weak attempt at hedonism. On the outside, she may appear like any other frail old lady but damn she freakier than your slaggiest mate. Well, possibly on par… But at 116-years-old she’s got a thirst for more than just life.

According to Reductress, Erma attributes her long life to meth and bareback sex. She says, “Daily doses of crank and bareback sex with strange men has kept me feeling young and sprightly, 116 years is a long time, but it feels short when you live like I do.” Ah yes, seems like just yesterday George Washington was president and we were fucked up on methamphetamine.

While her nursing home staff call her “Miss Erma”, she’s known to her fuck buddies as “Big Momma Ice”. Bit of an obvious nickname if you ask us, but hey. Erma goes on to describe her daily routine, saying “I eat a bowl of cold cereal in the morning, go for a walk, specifically to buy methamphetamine off of a biker. Then we have unprotected sex.”

Despite living through two World Wars and the Great Depression, she claims that nothing was tougher than the first meth ban in the 70s. While women weeped over the food rations, old Erma here only started crying when they rationed the drugs. Our favourite part of Erma’s story is when she states she thought she’d “be in a nursing home by that time, but then a motorcycle gang took me under their wing. I had sex with all of them.”

She was living. Bet her fanny looks like roadkill though.

“Snorting instead of smoking or injecting the crank helped keep my skin looking young and my veins intact,” she explains, showing off pictures of her great-great-granddaughter. “Whenever they’d call me their old lady, I’d say, ‘Who you callin’ old?’ And we’d just laugh and laugh.”

We’re not too sure we’ll be adopting her lifestyle just yet – honey we can barely bag one man, let alone an entire gang. And our feet get blisters after five days of partying, let alone an entire lifetime. But we certainly admire the fact that she couldn’t give any less fucks.

Erma adds, “Also, never get married. Men will suck you dry.”

Wise words.