And by ‘man’, we don’t mean one of your bros. We mean the kind of men you wanna take home to mama (and have coitus with in the spare room). Anyway, there are just some things that are massive no-no’s if you ever want to get him out of those size-too-small briefs. Avoid these to even have half a chance…

Shit

Leaving the door open while you drop the kids off at the pool is more uncouth than spitting on the street or helping elderly people with their shopping bags. It’s bad enough when there’s a skid on the condom, let alone seeing you strain out a Captain’s log. And while we’re on the subject, do it quietly. He doesn’t need to hear your spatters while he’s making breakfast. Nobody ordered a Sloppy Guiesppe.

Eat

We’re humans, we need to eat, but it’s hardly the most attractive of acts. Unless you’re out for a meal (urgh), it’s just not necessary. When have you ever heard a guy listing his turn-ons mention watching someone chomp down a corn on the cob before giving a corn-toothed blowjob? Or somebody that’s just drunkenly demolished a share size packet of cheesy Doritos? No honey. If he wants to play tonsil tennis with breath that bad, I’ll hook him up with the food on my nan’s hospital ward.

Go Under

If he fancied you before he saw you squiffing out, there’s no doubt that after seeing you pull the expressions of a ropey convict in the electric chair, he won’t anymore. And depending what you’re like on G, tugging on your limp dick while saliva dangles from your upturned mouth won’t float his boat either. In fact, unless he speaks ‘disabled chicken’ he probably won’t even be able to understand you.

Douche

Of course, when topping, a clean poop chute is bonus points. But he does not need a ‘Behind The Scenes’ demo. Nobody likes to see a butters chick plastering on her make-up on the tube, it ruins the illusion. A lady should leave the house looking immaculate, the same way the person bottoming should be pre-prepared. A guy once douched in front of me, and seeing those nuggets of turd drift around his boney-ass ankles as he squatted in the bathtub scarred me for life. #Therapy

Fart

The prelude to having a dump. The entire concept is so bogus. Air squeezing out of one’s sphincter and vibrating off the bum cheeks to make the most undignified sound. No, thank you. Even if you don’t follow through, it has allusions to laying an egg, and if it smells like steamed Broccoli and sewage, there’s no way he’s gonna wanna rim you.

Have sex with someone else

This might sound like a no-brainer, but believe me, on the gay scene, the option is a possibility. Having a guy smother himself over some troll like Nutella not only ignites the jealousy within, but also shows him that you don’t really have much respect, for him or yourself. Sure, if the man you’re chasing is into voyeurism he might get a little turned on watching you get skewered like a rotisserie chicken – but a majority of men don’t opt for sloppy seconds, let alone frothy thirds.

Drag

Yes, if he’s a man worth holding on to he should accept you, your tattered weave and your duck-tapped testicles – but until you’ve made him fall in love with you, it’s a known fact that he will scare easily. Just bare that in mind the next time you go uploading pics to Instagram of you stumbling around an after party in cork wedges pretending to be some Real Housewife of Peckham.

Dance Like Nobody’s Watching

You’re in East Bloc, and the DJ drops Khia’s My Neck, My Back. Damn girl, everybody know that’s your jam! And we all know how easy it is to get a bit carried away in that cess pit after one too many sambuccas. Before you know it, you’re thrusting that punani like Kim Kardashian for any magazine. (Coming soon, Kim K strips for Love It!) And then the focus of you affection has motor-minced out of there quicker than you can say “cause my body’s too Bootylicious”.

Fangirl

Fangirling isn’t a hot look on teenage brats, much less a fully grown man. So let’s break this down; that means no gushing over some chiseled Room Service hoe that you have no chance with anyway (nobody gets him hard like his own reflection), and no hyperventilating because your fave just dropped a new album. We all have a slightly unhealthy relationship with one celebrity mess or another, but he doesn’t need to hear a definitive ranking of Lady Gaga’s music videos before you’ve even told him your name. Pull your shit together Sandra.

Choke

Choking is a sign of weakness. That means whether your coughing up from that violent bong hit or gagging ’cause your blowjob game weak, you need to repress that shit, like abusive childhood memories. Even if your tonsils are on fire or he’s assaulting your windpipe with his piece, unless your eyes start to water, stop over-reacting. Choking is not a turn-on, and therefore is not appropriate during oral sex. Bulimics can skip this pointer, as bitches massacred their gag reflex time ago.