“I describe myself as normal.” But you’re not. Normal people don’t milk the benefits system, or have two bottles of Ketchup with their third fry up of the day.

HOW did this happen? Who the fuck was in charge of casting this? Were they smoking crack at the time and thought they’d throw the UK’s biggest slob in just for shits and giggles. She should be perfectly at home sitting around with nothing to do all day as it’s what she’s done her whole life. She sounds like a rusty car engine. Living for her wicker wedges that the kids probably teefed from Evans.

That fedora. Fuck. Does Orla know that she’s married to the only queen with no fashion sense? And boasting about his “gorgeous” bottom. Hmm, is gorgeous a synonym for gagging? And that outfit he entered the house in? My grandad looks better than that, and he’s been dead for 16 years. He looks like a clay pigeon shooter – actually good point, where’s my rifle? Least he’s good at chores – like the bitch of the house should be.

Known for her role in Bad Girls… And, erm, Bad Girls. Damn we loved that show. But trust us babes, that role and a leather biker jacker ain’t fooling nobody into thinking you’re a hard-ass. Or that your personality traits are anywhere as remotely deep as those crows feet. Ha! All squeezed into that dress tighter than a Richmond sausage. Bless that she thinks she was TVs first super bitch. Tanya from Footballer’s Wives would eat her alive. But seriously, bring back Karen and throw some shade.

Ego bigger than his muscles, IQ smaller than his batty riders. Speaks like the 14-year old that sells coke on the Estate near my house.

Famous for a range of things, certainly not clinging on to Kelly Brook’s fame – because he’s already got SO much going for him.

Apparently likes to exercise naked, and in front of a mirror we presume? But then again, we like looking at cocks in the gym too.

Who knew this year’s CBB media whore would be recently out trans woman Kelly Maloney. Oh yeah, everybody. Because that bitch thinks because she went from being a boxing promoter to a little old lady that’s been gang raped by Dorothy Perkins, everybody cares about her opinion. We care about as much as what you have to say as we do for your kitten heels. She may be a lady now, but somebody teach her how to stand like one.

The biggest pussy in boxing since Kellie Maloney started cross-dressing. Ha! Just kidding, y’all! Amazing suit. Because who doesn’t love a man dressed like a seven foot period.

The world’s oldest mummy’s boy. How’s Squeaky gonna cope without his daily breast feeding? Wow, Big Brother are REALLY pushing out the boat this year. He confirmed that he was single in his VT, which was quite surprising as most of the people I know in long-term relationships live on their parents sofa too. We’re waiting for him to get so pissed he wakes up next to Kellie Maloney.

Where the fuck did she come from?! She had ONE number one single, over a DECADE ago. She seemed to think it was news that she drank for two weeks? Girl, I’ve had house parties that lasted longer. Then again, I ‘spose she can sing – which is one more talent than most of the housemates. And at least she’s skinny.

“Love gettan mortal and tashan on, like, befor shovan mah face in eh kebab. But that’s nor way to talk abeet Charlotte, like”

Or something like that.

Described himself as a “typical Geordie”, so a total knob then? At least the other douche bags on Geordie Shore are actually fit.